Me: I’ve been having a lot of stomach pain.
Doc: You’re allergic to tomatoes.
Me: Oh wow so it’s a mystery then huh.
Doc: Stop eating pizza.
Me: I guess science just doesn’t have all the answers. It’s in god’s hands.
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After weeks of late night cheese benders…Brenda couldn’t help but wonder…where did it all go wrong
I quit my job at Starbucks because of all the name-calling.
Cobra Kai: sweep the leg!
Cobra: the what
friend: Are you eating a whole frozen pizza by yourself?
me: It was on sale for $4
friend: I wasnt asking because I thought it was expensive
Note to self:
Used VHS tapes do not make good emergency gifts, always go with stuff from the freezer.
THEN: Pizza
NOW: Cauliflower Pizza
THEN: Mashed Potatoes
NOW: Mashed Cauliflower
THEN: Fried Rice
NOW: Cauliflower Rice
THEN: Steak
NOW: Cauliflower Steak
THEN: Leather Jacket
NOW: Cauliflower Trenchcoat
THEN: A Car
NOW: Cauliflower with 4 wheels glued on.
tryna choke on gummy bears so my tombstone can read killed by a bear
So is Walmart a verb now?
As in, “I’m out of clean underwear, so I’m going to have to Walmart it today.”
“Alexa, lock the door”
– me to my friend alexa because computers locking doors is LITERALLY HOW TERMINATOR STARTED
Oh no Facebook user numbers are down for the first time ever. At this difficult time our thoughts are obviously with Mark Zuckerberg. Those thoughts are:
1. Ha
2. Ha
3. Ha
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
Vegan pizza…. is basically
just the box.
Just completed a task that I’d been putting off for months. It took ages and was massively inconvenient, I was right to delay it as much as possible. I will learn much from this.
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care of most
batman [clenching fist]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
Communing with the fog in the woods, anyone need anything?
Asked my 5yo how he wanted me to peel his banana, and he said any way, and this is a trap isn’t it
Me: With a name like that, your parents must hate you.
Myparentsdislikeme: Hate is a strong word.
Usually I have to go faster than 30 for that to happen
PRIEST: Does anyone know why these two should not be married?
ME: *from back* SHE PRONOUNCES IT ‘SUPPOSABLY’
*priest slowly backs away*
Was today a good day? No.
BUT
Did I manage to make it through the whole day without running over my own purse with my car?
Also no.
here’s the problem with fruit: it’s inconsistent. some apples are delicious, some taste bad. sometimes blueberries are great, sometimes they are disgusting. you know what’s the same every time? doritos
This is your gentle reminder that one time in the Bible Elijah was like “God, I’m so mad! I want to die!” so God said “Here’s some food. Why don’t you have a nap?” So Elijah slept, ate, & decided things weren’t so bad. Never underestimate the spiritual power of a nap & a snack.
I found out why my computer keeps freezing. Apparently I’ve got too many windows open.
i think my idea of romance stems from 1957, when men were men and women leaned seductively against juke boxes
Is it normal for a cat to get smarter? When Max was a kitten he was really dumb but now he reads at an 8th grade level
Vicodin: For when you absolutely have to apple scissors badger trampoline Connie seven accept substitute no steak fries
The opposite of self-deprecating humor is accounting.
Instead of making jokes at your own expense, you makes jokes about other people’s expenses.
#AccountingDay #RubbishJokes
You, a basic, typical hacker: Steals credit cards and identities
Me, a diabolical hacker: Syncs your Twitter account to your phone contacts and unblocks your family’s accounts
Hot waitresses give me anxiety. I don’t need some babe rolling up on me while I’m jamming food in my face.
i wish jigglypuff was real imagine how well rested you could be all the time