If we put aside our differences and work together, I truly believe we can come up with a few more alternate spellings of the name Britney.
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Loving thy neighbour was easier before leaf blowers.
On the third date, I like to buy the girl a really big meal so she’s already used to not finishing
I like to piss my husband off by using the switch right beside me rather than screaming at devices all over the house in codes I can’t a remember and a voice they don’t listen to, recognize, or understand just to turn one goddamn living room lamp on.
My kid asking me to put on some terrible youtube channel
[Me, watching my murderer wipe down everything as I’m dying]: “Oh, you don’t have to do that, don’t worry about it.”
If only the workout your thumbs get from scrolling on your phone would go to your abs.
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
Doctor, reading chart: “Says here you’re improving!”
Doctor: “…Oops.”
*slowly turns chart rightside up*
I wore skinny jeans once, it looked like when you try to get a tent back in a bag and give up half way
[1st Date]
him: oh do you have a twitter?
me: oh yeah, here you can look at it
him: *scrolls in silence*
him, pushing bowl of potato soup away: yeah I don’t think this is going to work out
When a guy jokes about pms, you need to laugh along to show you’re a cool chick, but hold the laugh too long- so he gets scared.
i am in another room with the door open and she has food and water, and yet, my cat is out in the hallway meowing like she’s wandering through a post-apocalyptic wasteland and is the sole survivor
Leave Twitter just because it’s lacking infrastructure and is terribly understaffed?
Babe, I’m a public school teacher 😅
Anyone else notice the world starting to get worse after Iron Man died?
This message is invisible.
Only people who suffer from
lack of sex can read this.
NOW HIRING: An employee
JOB REQUIREMENTS: 96 years experience already working at this job you’re applying for
One time when my 10yo was 18 months I took him to the library for story time and he rolled his toy car under a bookcase and yelled “oh shit”. The lady stopped reading and everyone turned to look at me and I didn’t go back to story time at the library again
I’m not saying that I haven’t incorporated math into my adult life. I’m just saying I could’ve dropped out after elementary school.
British people tell you that they live in a real country and then introduce you to someone called the Marchioness of Cholmondeley
Two types of dogs.
“We need a solid plan to defeat ISIS.”
Galaxy Note 7: I have an idea
Weird how my husband can sleep through the baby crying but he jumps straight up with one unsnap of my bra hook.
Overheard, my parents, watching the World Cup:
Dad: Who are you routing for?
Mom: I’m routing for it to be over.
“I’m so stoked!”
-An excited fireplace
The average parent burns 870 calories a year by shaking powdered cheese packets before opening them.
DOCTOR: what were you thinking? He had a sword.
ME: *bleeding everywhere, clutching my favorite pen* that’s not how it’s supposed to work
People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V “Tuesday”
13: Want to drive me to school?
Me: Not really, that’s why you take the bus.
13: We can stop at Starbucks on the way.
Me: It’s not on the way.
13: I’ll pay.
Me: You should lead with that next time. Let’s go.
“Ever wonder why Rice Krispies costs the same as quieter cereals?”
why would-
“It’s because they’re sold by weight-“
Dan, NO
“not by volume”
People laugh cos I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?