Just told my mom I’m gonna mow the laundry today. Honestly it doesn’t sound like such a bad idea.
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Meet your new stalker! The good news is I’m middle aged and very lazy. You’ll hardly notice I’m here.
I’m trying to be more fit these days, so now I walk inside the store to buy my donuts instead of using the drive-thru.
Don’t get it. Heard the phrase “keep your friends clothes & keep your enemies clothes, sir”. Now I have a bunch of naked people angry at me.
My dealer told me everytime i use a reusable container instead of giving me a new baggie he’ll give me a discount and thats what i call loyalty to the planet.
I can’t lose weight, that’s where all my fattitude is
[palm reader touches my hand and immediately gets a nose bleed and passes out]
me: what’s that mean
I accidentally got my blow up doll pregnant.
Related: I’ve got some balloons for sale.
Head and Shoulders should make a body wash called ‘Knees and Toes’
*Opens a Volkswagen restoration shop called “The Old Volks Home”*
Enough with emails already. I’m only conducting business communication by Snapchat from now on.
if i were a cab driver, i’d scream “ROAD TRIP” every time i got a passenger
[Martian welcoming party]
We’re so excited to welcome our friends from Ear—ok it’s another robot car everybody. Why do they keep doing this
This dogs tail is more talented than I will ever be
Bisexuals are lucky. To the rest of us, life is a restaurant where you’re allergic to half the items on the menu.
[arrives at party]
ME: This was a good idea.
*30 seconds later*
MY WILL TO LIVE: I’m gonna go wait in the car.
Whenever someone tells me how well behaved my kids are I say it’s cause they’re not at home.
I WON’T TELL YOU AGAIN!
~ me to my kids for the 387th time today
Wanna know what it’s like being married?
Chain yourself to a wild animal.
Now kick the animal.
I don’t want to be cremated when I die. I want my body thrown on a group of unsuspecting, cocky teens in a haunted house.
Actual voice mail:
“Molly, this is your mother. I just texted you but I don’t know how to make the facey-things so…happy face at the end.”
Asked my dad and uncle why they weren’t chatting and my uncle goes “we’re done chatting for today” and my dad nods and they continue watching tv in silence
I only shop at yard sales for haunted family heirlooms & lingerie.
I bet Dog heaven and Squirrel hell are the same place
ME: shouldn’t i, the one who has accumulated all the debt, be known as the debt collector?
DEBT COLLECTOR: *muffled whispering*
ME:
DEBT COLLECTOR: i’ll call you back
I cleaned out my car and washed it, and now I feel like I can properly look down on others like god intended.
I hate the people who cause division in society. It’s not because I’m a liberal, I just hate maths!
[last night]
*gets drunk*
*can’t remember if I fed the dog*
*ends up feeding her 5 times*[tonight]
*comes home*
dog *hands me a beer*
Friend: Onamatopoeias make me violent.
Me: Gulp.
Hey Dad, your neighbor called,
they wanna know if you could
turn down your TV, they’ve
already heard this episode of
Law & Order.