“Invisible Woman” just followed me.
I did not see that coming.
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Me: I’m telling you this place is haunted, I’ve seen ghosts in here!
Roommate: Listen, I’ve lived here for 285 years and I’ve never seen a ghost.
On a 1st date, I like to order the family meal so he gets an idea of who he’s dealing with.
Did you know that you can buy fake teeth online and just glue them to whatever the hell you want?
[exotic fish store]
AMISH GUY: Yes, I’d like to buy an acoustic eel, please.
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
Her: All day long I’ve had the strangest feeling that someone’s ….. watching me.
Me: Why, do you hear laughter?
Everyone needs a plan B?
I’m already on plan M
Practice for parenthood by approaching a pack of rabid wolves and saying “Time to brush teeth! Who wants to go first?” Do that twice a day.
*sneaks condoms into the carts of fighting couples at the drug store
So… I JUST FOUND A CAT THAT IS NOT MINE AND IT HAS HAD BABIES UNDER MY BED.
My 8 year old just pointed a lady into the direction of the toy section at this K-Mart and now he’s the assistant manager
oh good, now I can stop drinking
[paying at chipotle]
ME: i got a burrito
CLERK: that’ll be ten dollars
ME: with guac
CLERK: that’ll be ten thousand dollars
Our vision of Hell doesn’t come from the Bible; it’s a composite drawn from fictional sources like The Divine Comedy and Paradise Lost. Fearing Hell is tantamount to fearing the plot of a Stephen King novel.
WAITRESS: Is that a no on dessert?
waiter my bone broth tastes like a boiled bone
Me: So how old were you when you hacked your first person?
Friend: 6th grade
Me: Wow, you were good with computers early on in life.
Friend: Computers?
As a kid I wanted a Jetsons like future, but now I get emails from my vacuum cleaner so be careful what you wish for.
If you’re wondering why it seems like there are so many birthdays these past few weeks it’s because we are the result of parents who have sex once a year on Valentines Day
just baked a deliciously fragrant apple pie. gonna leave it to cool on my windowsill. should be fine
Your call is important to us, we’ll interrupt calming music every 30secs for the next 20mins to remind you that your call is important to us
If my wife takes any longer to get ready to go out, she’ll need to go and shave her legs again!!
Negotiating with a 3 year old:
Me: pick out two books to read.
3yo: no five books!
Me: fine three books.
3yo: no five books!
Me: no one book!
3yo: no TWO books!
Me: ugh you got me, two books it is.
DRY CLEANER: …are these
ME: yes, Taco Bell hot sauce stains
DRY CLEANER: but it’s an…
ME: yes, I realize it’s an ascot
Date: Cat-callers disgust me.
Me: [hastily returning phone to pocket] Oh haha yeah me too.
My cat: *at home by the phone worried sick*
[Outside court]
Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?
: Odd
H: “Whatcha doing?”
Me: “Going on twitter to hang out.”
H: “Twitter is an app, not a place.”
Me: *whispers venomously* “Is too a place!!”
My toddler fell out with me today because it was too hot and I wouldn’t ‘turn the sun down’
Meanwhile in Paris.. 🙏
Hear me out: a switch blade but instead of sharp metal a meatball sandwich pivots out