Stop using “leggy” to describe tall women when it was clearly made to describe spiders.
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Me: The kids haven’t eaten their sandwiches
Wife: ok just throw them out[Later]
Me *helping the kids pack a suitcase* look I’m as surprised as you are
No, I can’t come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.
I started feeding the birds a steady diet of pastel died Rice… You know, to brighten up the neighborhood a little bit…
British people: Unicycle
American people: Collegecycle
You look like a snack:
-way overused
-not specific enough
-not enough affectionate noisesYou look like a moose:
-a very cute moose
-make all the boy moose go HWAAAAH
Husband: my back hurts
Me, cracking my neck and knuckles while speaking in a fake Russian accent: I massage you???
This meal prepping shit easy
No Fitbit, I didn’t walk 18,937 steps today, I had a Sign Language final.
*stares into distance*
Distance: Please stop staring. It’s rude.
If only
Ernest Hemingway buys a pair of shoes mail order, but accidentally orders in a baby’s size. He tries to sell them, but no one understands
Jellyfish husband: I have to work again this weekend.
Jellyfish wife: Just tell your boss he can’t force you to do this every weekend.
Jellyfish husband: You know I can’t do that.
Jellyfish wife: Oh FFS grow a spi…
Jellyfish husband: GROW A WHAT LINDA
My husband drives me to drink.
Unless a friend volunteers.
HO_SE BOAT
I’d like to solve the puzzle Pat, Horse Boat
Me: I’d like to apologise for my behaviour
Host: No need, you haven’t done anything wrong
Me: I haven’t started yet
My favorite part of my husband working from home is that our 6YO critiques all his conference calls.
“I think you should say ‘don’t get me wrong’ instead of ‘let me be clear’ next time daddy, it just sounds better.”
“Calzone” is just an Italian word to make you feel better about eating a Hot Pocket in public.
me: *blows a raspberry*
raspberry: ah yea baby
M: I’m so glad school started!
12: Can you help me with my math?
M: OMG WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?!
I spend a lot of time contemplating the mysteries of life, like why the wall the natives built to keep Kong out had a Kong-sized door in it.
Marriage is like, “I can’t believe you would do this” and “this” is just folding a towel in half instead of thirds.
i was in paris with a boyfriend once and he lit a candle in Notre Dame in order to ask god to raise the price of bitcoin
You know I’m something of a chef myself
I can’t believe someone had the audacity to tell ME *gestures wildly at self* that I’m dramatic
*fools rush in*
*they all slam into each other*
Shouting “Shotgun” will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.
Fall, when my kids clean the yard by bringing ALL the leaves into the house
her: what do u do
me: [remembers girls like bad boys] i sell drugs
her: are u serious ??
me: [remembers girls like sensitive guys] to kids in need
You can’t begin to imagine what an intolerable burden it is to be cursed with this staggeringly poignant flair for the melodramatic