every ghost is a little afraid someone will see them and tell them to start wearing pants again
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My wife said she wants to rescue a cat so I threw it in the pool.
“How deep should we make the shelves in this shower wall?”
“Hmm.. deep enough to hold the shampoo, but shallow enough so that a rogue current of air could send the contents of the shelf plummeting onto the person’s toes while they shower.”
“Perfect.”
Just shooed that big green raccoon out of my garbage can again. Man, he’s grouchy.
Most monkeys don’t like bananas, they’re just being sexy.
[emptying dishwasher]
HOW IN THE HELL DO I FIT ALL THESE COFFEE CUPS IN THE CABINET
You are what you delete.
What’s the name of that movie with that actor in which the guy does that thing with that other thing in that place during that time?
*scroll*
*scroll*
*scroll*
[I just learned that different colors of the heart emoji mean different things]
*scroll*
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*scroll*
Taking my car to the shop see you in $2000
What did one elevator say to another?
Am gonna level with you
Me: awww what’s your dog’s name?
Neighbor: Spartacus.
Me: [yells to Wife] TRY SPARTACUS!
Wife: [at computer] DIDN’T WORK!
Neighbor:
Me: what’s your favorite number?
– So tell me about your date.
– It was ok. He’s a Detective Inspector, currently working undercover in a butcher’s.
– Sounds a bit dull.
– Yeah but there’s more to him than meats DI.
I only sleep with people who make me laugh.
Luckily, I find myself hilarious.
I walked into a gas station & a woman handed me a free slice of pizza
Either Iowa is the nicest state in America or I’ve just been poisoned
Me: I’d like a nap please.
Domino’s employee: Ma’am, this is Domino’s.
Me: Ok one extra large nap and an order of cheesy bread.
describing a really tough guy to the police sketch artist bc im afraid to say a goose knocked me over and ran off with my car keys
Interviewer: It says in your CV that you are quick at maths. What is 23 x 39?
Me: 69.
Interviewer: That’s not even close.
Me: No, but it was quick, isn’t it?
*sliding dj $4.65 in nickels* do you have the jurassic park theme?
Water Polo is one shark away from being the most entertaining sport around
Always leave the cult better than you found it.
Me: I want to be like Hemingway.
Friend: a writer?
Me: no. An alcoholic.
Me: *upon exiting the womb* you’ll be hearing from my lawyer
I shaved my legs.
Well except for those three knee hairs I always miss.Looking good Larry, Daryl and Daryl.
There are 2 wolves inside me and they’re both eating tacos
I love when I open my dryer door and money falls out instead of my cat.
I’m starting to suspect the cat knows more than she’s letting on but I’ll never know because she’s changed the passcode to get into her laboratory.
Priest: Marriage lasts until death. You’re not married in heaven.
Me: Why not?
Wife: Then we’d be in hell.
Aging has caused me to need glasses. Glasses of beer. Glasses of wine. And glasses of bourbon.