Turns out indoor stone throwing is a mistake no matter what your house is made of.
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*Christmas with The Schrödingers
Dr. Erwin Schrödinger: [shaking a wrapped box, excited] Is it a new cat?
*His family smiles nervously at each other
“Last night I was so drunk I replied to my own text”
Thoughts and prayers to everyone in Hawaii who finally came clean w/ a spouse or partner thinking the missile was on its way.
4: How do you spell no?
Me: Sound it out. What makes the na na na na na na na na na sound?
4: Batman?
(Spelling is hard)
Every homemade dinner counts as negative calories because of the exercise we get waving pillows at the smoke detectors.
CNN: We’re not sure but we’ll report it anyway.
When my friend and I were children, gym class would have us run around the neighborhood. This run would pass my house. We sneak through the back alley into my house and watch TV for 20 minutes and then my dad will drive us back to school. The perfect crime
I hate it when you turn up to a Klan rally and some other guy is wearing the same dress.
Told my doctor I would lose 10 pounds in three months. That was three months ago and now I have 18 hours to lose 9¾ pounds.
“WATERMELON” HAS 4 SYLLABLES. “ILLUMINATI” HAS 5 SYLLABLES. THAT’S PRETTY CLOSE. WATERMELON IS ILLUMINATI.
Who called them nuclear submarines and not fission ships?
Me, trying to fit in with friends, who are new parents,
“Wow, your baby does very good babying!”
Wife: Did you eat an ENTIRE half-gallon of ice cream?!?!
Me: It was getting freezer-burned.
W: I just bought it today!
Me: Crazy freezer.
What do you mean you are supposed to breathe while you eat.
Just went outside for 10 mins and the mosquitoes treated me like I was fresh eggs at a continental breakfast
If I had a pet unicorn, I’d probably just use it to carry my donuts around.
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
date: are you looking for love?
me: [peering over top of menu] no they only do pretzels
Another day, another round of men asking, “Why are women attracted to this mildly unconventional looking dude?” Honey, every woman you know has a crush on the cartoon fox version of Robin Hood, and this is what baffles you?
When you get a 3D printer, don’t mess around. Go straight to printing money.
Me: Wouldn’t it be funny if a hawk swooped down and grabbed one of the kids?
Him: You need help.
HIM: Hi, I’m Bill.
ME: Hi, I’m…oh shit this is embarrassing. I’m not really good with names.
all the video games my bf plays are like “would you like to Search Beehive?” and he’ll say yes and it’ll be like “you have found: A Bee”
At my age, a trail of clothes leading to the bedroom, means I dropped them on the way from the dryer.
We arrived at our holiday cottage which is near several other holiday cottages and within 5 minutes a lady from another cottage came to say hi and chatted for a while and now we have to leave the holiday cottage and stay in the woods where no other people will ever find us
*gets called abnormal*
*checks for normal abs*
ramen noodles. roman numerals. raman numeroodles.
I follow girls that walk to their cars alone because there’s a lot of weirdos out there.
I like my women how I like my straws ….
Bendy and full of liquor.
I hate it when my sock puppets fight. I don’t have a free hand to break them up.