You light one person on fire and all of a sudden the police drive by on the daily.
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My key takeaway from Ghostbusters was that once you’re dead, your Miranda rights don’t count for shit.
Firefighters should carry around water pistols like cops carry guns.
*dances with wolves
*wolf asks to be my man
*I become bae o’ wolf
I should run for public office just to see the scandalous dirt they dig up on me. I would really like to piece together my twenties.
April is Stress Awareness Month, as if I’m not aware of my stress the other eleven months out of the year.
I starting to think putting a lime in a coconut and drinking it all up isn’t even actual medical advice.
“An eye for an eye?”
– a cannibal at a swap meet
Why do New Yorkers constantly think New York is the only place that has things?
INTERVIEWER: why did you leave your last job?
ME: they stopped putting Kit Kats in the break room vending machine
I like it thick and deep
Pizza
Be kind to strangers. One of them could end up being your coroner.
🤣✨#caturday
(Hugging)
Me: you smell good. Is that a new cologne?
Him: No, I dropped turkey gravy on my shirt earlier.
Me: That’s a good smell for you. Maybe try a white peppercorn version next time.
Him:
GIRL: l’m tired of bad boys and their bs. I want a good boy, for a change.
ME [clearly a golden retriever]: *turns to camera and winks*
“I thought it might be nice to go round the room and say a bit about ourselves”
Oh dear you thought wrong.
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
your body is a ghost factory that takes one lifetime to produce a ghost
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles. “Hardback?” The assistant asked.
“Yes” I replied, “with little heads”
Engineer: we’ve done it. We’ve created the most advanced robot known to man, even capable of feeling emotion
Boss: can he read slightly jumbled letters when trying to sign up to a website?
Engineer: obviously not
Girls are like strawberries. Sometimes they’re at the grocery store
jigsaw: I have injected you with a deadly poison
me [sitting in a chair]: OMG
jigsaw: if you want to live the antidote is on the other side of the room
me: I don’t understand, I’m not tied up?
jigsaw: *places sleeping kitten on my lap*
me: goodbye cruel world
I’m one whole face and body rearrangement away from being Scarlett Johansson.
[mom knocks on my bedroom door]
HER: are you modest?
ME: well I’m no big shot but my jokes do ok on Twitter
HER: ok I’m coming in
Found my cat reading To Kill A Mockingbird. I told him that it didn’t actually involve killing birds, but he said he liked courtroom dramas.
this is the best day of my life
If you cut me off in traffic you better be ready to look in your rearview mirror and see me yelling something you can’t hear.
Me: So what do you wanna get your friend for his bday?
9: I asked him what he likes & he said tacos.
Me: ok..
9: But I said, “Not food. What else do you like?” And he said his grandma
Me: ok so
9: And I said not grandmas either! Let’s just get him a football or something
I think a funny idea would be if our telescopes become more and more powerful, but human space travel remains unsolvable, & all the other races in the galaxy encounter the same problem. So we just become a bunch of guys looking into each other’s houses. An intergalactic Next Door
Disgruntled werewolf repeatedly brought to the pound because hundreds of years of evolutionary missteps lead him to look like a cocker spaniel