Why is it called a ‘dad-bod’ and not a ‘father-figure’?
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bank account: $1400
me to a girl scout: give me the thick mints
I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.
Lent is a holiday invented by the banks to sell more loans
I can’t wait until Twitter gives you the option to block yourself. I say some real dumb shit on here and I shouldn’t have to deal with it.
I love my new crockpot. Now we can wait longer to eat my horrible cooking.
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
Immediately after giving birth to me my mom was charged with crimes against humanity
Pro tip: Sleep and nap with gloves on, so they can’t unlock your iPhone with your fingerprints.
Wife: Let’s watch Netflix.
Me: Ok. [starts movie]
Wife: [sleeping]
Me [pausing]: OMG we are two seconds into it.
Wife: What?
Me: You’re sleeping.
Wife: I’m not sleeping. Press Play.
Me: [presses Play]
Wife: [sleeping]
NYT: No, we did not make Wordle harder. We promise.
Also NYT: Today’s Wordle is KHYBX — which everyone knows is a popular 11th century Latin delicacy derived from quicksand extract. Duh.
Your Twitter Dom probably sits at the kids’ table during Thanksgiving
my name if I was in the mob
[party]
GUY: Let’s play a drinking game!
ME: Yahtzee!
GUY: That’s not a drinking game.
ME: Haha yeah right then what’s the cup for?
[everyone looks at each other]
ME: {holding stomach} What’s the cup for?
Date: I like to take things slow
Me: *puts stolen turtle on table* Hey, so do I
Mehh
~Goat, sighing..
[1st date]
waiter: can I bring you anything?
her: maybe some Worcestersh–
me: BESTERshire please! Nothing’s too good for–
her: and the check
I don’t like atheism. I’ve worked too many minimum wage jobs for someone to tell me there’s nothing after this. I once waitresses the smoking section of Applebee’s. Smelled like divorce papers signed with a gun shot. I need heaven!
If you’re a software developer, are you code-dependent…
“I’ll take the Batmobile. Robin, you take the–”
[Robin doing up laces]
“The Batskates, yeah I know.”
I have a hard time believing that bears made porridge & the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
(Rushes to hospital)
Dr: Your mother is extremely critical.
Me: Don’t overreact doctor, she’s like that with everyone.
When I have to reset my microwave it requires I put in the time, day, month and YEAR, why do you need to know the year you self important kitchen appliance, heat the coffee like it’s 1995 it’s the same to me
My mom had a “sex talk” with me when I was 14 or 15. It was before my piano lesson and she said, “NEVER TRUST BOYS. THEY ONLY WANT ONE THING” then walked away without ever saying what it was.
So every time a classmate asked to look at my notes, I slapped the shit out of him.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship No, I don’t think we are on the same page.
Date – “so they had no other chairs?”
Me [sitting on an alpaca] “no”
Hey dude, can i borrow your laptop? I want to shop for a new computer but it feels cruel to do that on the one I’m replacing.
I’m supposed to wear a blouse and slacks to an event. This looks like a job for FuneralPants.
standing over the sink eating leftovers with my dad like we are two bears that just broke into someones home
Just hit a racist with my car. Probably a racist. I feel like he was. Statistically, very likely. Oh so you think there’s no racism problem?