hi yes i’d like a vodka salad please
“you mean a bloody mary”
yeah yeah whatever just hurry it up
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everyone telling you that you’re beautiful on the Internet is an escaped convict.
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: Us.
Wife:
Me: You’re leaving us.
Wife:
Me: Also, why?
Wife: *Sigh*
Sock Puppet I Never Take Off: Answer him, Susan.
Gluten-free!
Pumpkin pie!
Whole Foods has made me a happy guy.Vegan too?
Yes it’s true.
One less thing on the list of have-to-do!
I like my ex’s like I like my coffee…
Ground up and in the freezer
Waiter: How is the chicken?
Me: Not great. I think he might be dead.
A watched pot never boils. The same is also true if you forget to turn the burner on apparently.
[carrot slice falls on the floor]
Ah well I guess it’s in the trash with you[potato chip falls on the floor]
YOU THOUGHT YOU COULD ESCAPE.
Disgusting if literal: Liverpool
I’ve just had a rejection for a submission I made two years ago. Can I tell them that the book was accepted, published, reached the top 100 in the Amazon Kindle chart and I’ve since had another book published with a new one out this month, or is that just too much? 😝
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
Basically every plane is missing to me. I couldn’t tell you where a single plane is
Movies taught me that, when you place a small sentimental item in someone’s hand, you also have to close their hand for them.
Here’s how I gained 27Ibs of muscle in 5 weeks:
Lying.
Going topless is a vibe. Yes my friend’s car is a convertible.
I met my wife on Tinder.!
*After 4 months of marriage
Friend: [admiring photo of me, my husband, two sons and our dog] What a beautiful family.
Me: [whispering] My whole house smells like pee.
Jeb Bush: “The Pope should not discuss climate change because he’s not a scientist, although if elected, I will be your wife’s gynecologist”
Me- owns 2 pairs of pants
My 8 month old, who has no where to go-
On any given microwave, there’s only one button to me. It doesn’t matter what I’m cooking I just keep hammering popcorn until it’s done.
Saint Waddle is the patron saint of pancakes and ducks. She loved to flip the bird.
Pest control guy, pulling a piece of drywall out to reveal an infant sitting inside the wall: Yep you got babies
If you think one of my tweets is about you, it isn’t. Except this one.
Cop: *kicks door open* it’s time to take out the trash
Cop’s wife: stop kicking the door
Me: Tonight I’m going to get some good sleep.
WebMD: With the fishes.
a pretty good bit cats do is be insanely shocked and aggrieved when you do something normal like get up from your desk to go to the kitchen
I think the most fucked up thing about the Catholic Church is that they force Bishops to only move in diagonals
BUILDING INSPECTOR: This building is not structurally sound
ARCHITECT: why
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well first of all it’s made of paper
ARCHITECT: Yeah construction paper!
I put my pants on just like everyone else: while screaming obscenities at my pants butler
Whose bad idea was it to text him a 4th time just in case his phone was being weird?
Tequila, I’m looking at you.