“As per my email…”
Ooh, someone’s absolutely livid.
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[in bed, 6 AM]
Me: Good morning.
Wife: mmmph
Me: Happy Easter.
Wife: mmhmm
Me: Guess who else is also Risen this morn-
Wife: GO AWAY
how did ur grandpa get dementia and forget EVERYTHING except the racism
Christmas day for delusional middle aged men who live online
It should cost $87 to leave someone a voicemail.
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] we lost a man, but we gained a corpse
My wife calls it “silent treatment”. I call it “attractive disagreement period”.
11: You take a lot of naps
Me: Well you weren’t using them
*Looks up from phone.
“When did you get home?”Husband: “I’ve been talking to you for the last 15 minutes.”
Them: I don’t like you.
Me:
He held up my pants and said “Are you sure these are yours? They look small. You can fit in these??”
Judge: Not guilty. You’re free to go.
If someone tries to be your friend, pick up their cat and play it like the bagpipes. Problem solved.
How to cow tip:
First, sneak up behind the cow.
Next, get into a wide stance.
Finally, slip the money into it’s bell.
I am not gullible. I am just easily tricked- which someone told me is different.
Men fantasize about me, women want to be me and children obey me!
[wakes up on bathroom rug]
When someone yells “Fire!” at my house, I’ll be the first to leap from the toilet and fall flat on my face because my legs fell asleep
Every time I use hand sanitizer I wonder about the 0.1% of bacteria that isn’t killed.
What the hell kind of scary shit is that?
I want to open a coffee shop at the Family Law Court called Grounds for Divorce
Me: *sends myself a reminder text about an appointment*
Phone: *ding*
Me: Ooh, who’s texting me?
My sister’s boyfriend is visiting from England and we’re going to the driving range. What are the English rules of golf. Do I have to fight him or what.
my ears are currently carrying sunglasses, headphones, and a face mask. ears are a purse
shoutout to whoever hacked my doordash account and sent $140 worth of wingstop to my address instead of theirs
Me: they didn’t have cell phones when I was a kid
5: they also didn’t have cars
Unfortunately most of my sex noises come from trying to get out of bed.
It’s embarrassing when my wife pats me down for concealed chicken nuggets in front of our friends.
Just tried to watch a James Bond movie and wow, first thing that happens is he walks into frame and fires his gun at me, the viewer. I have never felt so disrespected in my entire life and expect better from a man wearing a tuxedo. One star.
The neighbors are looking at me strangely again. Like they have never seen a man sitting on his roof with a pair binoculars before.
When your emotional bank account is empty you have “insufficient funs”
I’m peacefully fishing when I notice a ham sandwich on the seat beside me. I pick it up and am dragged to the deep as a salmon reels me in.
Me: I hit the ejector seat and sent her through the roof by accident
Cop: you’re under arrest. I’m taking you to jail
Me: let’s take my car
My main goal in life is to become a cooking show judge
Mostly because I like to criticize people while I eat