Sorry for all the mean things I said when I was driving.
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Speed dating?
You mean pizza delivered in less than 30 mins…
Ice cream. Ewes scream. We all scream because there are angry sheep in this Baskin Robbins.
Movie where someone thinks they’re a ghost and the plot twist is they were alive the whole time
Dad Dinosaur: [sleeping]
Kid Dinosaur: Daddy, Look at all the pretty stars!
Dad Dinosaur: *grunts* Very nice, son.
Kid Dinosaur: I think I see a shooting star!
Dad Dinosaur: Mmm hmm
Kid Dinosaur: It looks like it’s coming right towards us!
Dad Dinosaur: Say what now?
*Puts on Kool-aid guy pitcher costume outside of a bank*
Friend: This isn’t going to work.
Me: Bank vault here I come. *Charges at wall*
My daughter made such a cute little doll of me. It even has my real hair. She has it surrounded by some candles, and she’s giving it acupuncture to help the sharp pain in my side go away.
The Blob: Bakery Beginning!
I’m slowly replacing people in my life with different snack foods.
If a vampire gets AIDS from one of its victims, is it considered an STD or food poisoning?
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *strips naked and does running man*
Wife – “….”
Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn’t have any pictures of me either.
My friend of mine likes to name her cars. She jokingly named her car after me. As soon as she did it started leaking oil and backfiring.
I am not shocked.
I drink Boba and Capri Suns because I like to stab things before I enjoy them.
You can’t take away snow days and make them remote learning days. Snow days aren’t about learning. If god wanted the children to learn, he wouldn’t have made it snow.
9: My room is clean.
Me: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
WIFE: *holding pregnancy test* well this is unexpected
ME: *rubbing wife’s tummy* can we discuss a different name?
My son’s soccer coach just said, “You can’t spell “triumph” without ‘try,'” and the look my son and I shared will bond us forever.
My kids are old enough to stay home by themselves, so most of my day is spent refreshing Google Earth to see if my house is on fire.
I am having fish and chips for lunch.
*pours Pringles and Goldfish Crackers into the same bowl*
Why did Shrek use the song “I’m a Believer” and not “It Must Have Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now).”
I saw a TV for sale for only £1 because the volume button was stuck
Did I buy it?
Of course I did!
Well, I couldn’t turn it down
Could I?
It still hurts that my parents never came to any of my violin recitals. I never bought their flimsy excuses, like “You’ve never had any lessons” and “You don’t even have a violin” and “That’s a banjo and a stick.”
first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong
DATE: …your profile said you were a bodybuilder?
ME [assembles crash test dummies for a living]: that’s right
What if those pandas mated naturally for the first time because they’re turned on by mounting human death tolls
If my ex had an autobiography it would be called “Mein Cramps”
What, did you NOT SEE that one coming?
I just heard an add on the radio stressing the importance of healthy muscles and it inspired me to bend my elbows more while eating cake.
*time travels to the 1950s*
Me: …and it’ll change the world forever. I call it the Internet
1950s person: incredible! How does it work?
Me:
Tall girls might get modeling contracts but I can still ask for the high school student discount.
I’m at that age where I’d rather finish a terrible movie than start another one because it’s 7:30pm and I may still fall asleep during this one.