Danny: I got chills, there multiplying.
Sandy: *they’re
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Got to check out Godzilla Vs. Kong early and if you’re a fan of buildings I’ve got some bad news for you.
The American flag should be a picture of a cheeseburger watching TV on a couch made of fries.
If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.
You call it uneven eyeliner. I call it my Picasso Period.
My wife wanted me to take her to one of those restaurants where they prepare the food in front of you.
So, I took her to Subways.
Other women: Nothing is sexier than a dad holding a baby.
Me: Nothing is sexier than my husband using his thundering dad-voice to frighten our children into behaving when I’ve abandoned all hope.
6 year old: I ate all my lunch today!!
The evidence to the contrary:
A fun thing about parenthood is that even when you get to close the bathroom door you’re never really alone
I thought my wife was super pissed at me, but it turns out she was only “disappointed” in me. Thank God, I definitely dodged a bullet there
*84th flr*
CW: You look sad, can I cheer you up?
M: Heard Van Halen’s “Jump”?
CW: Sure!
Me: Jump out that window and sing it on the way down
I just asked my German friend if he has a lucky number and now I can’t figure out if he does or not.
Industrial strength nuclear powered leaf blowers make relocating your neighbors a snap. Just power it up and watch them roll away like human tumbleweeds.
Does anyone know how to save your game on twitter I’ve been playing for 2 years straight my mom is pissed
BF went to text me “almost there”
It came out “almost dead”
So hungover, I wrote back “thank god”
And now he arrived and things are awkward
Boss: And this will be your desk. Make yourself at home
Me (pulling a rotisserie chicken from my purse & putting it on the desk): Thanks
Florida is about to release millions of genetically modified mosquitoes.
I hope when they bite you they make you drive better.
Fact: it is impossible to hold a machete in a friendly manner.
“Said no one ever.” -Said everyone on Twitter.
Spider-cat: No One Home
No thanks Olive Garden, the last place I wanna eat is somewhere that treats me like family.
The best thing about Twitter’s 140 character limit is that it keeps profanity-prone me from inserting any inadvertantly unnecessary motherfu
I’m the Cinderella of finding one shoe at a sale and not finding the other and losing my own along the way.
“i used to live in india, now I live in indiana”
“is there a difference?”
“na”
Tough guy in pub: oh yeah? Well how ’bout we take this outside?
Me (knowing that it’s a cloudless night just perfect for stargazing): well that sounds utterly divine.
Given the American diet, don’t you think we’d have greater success locating missing children if we put their faces on liters of soda?
when I die, cross my arms in the casket so I’ll look like I’m disappointed in everyone who comes to view my body at the funeral
The extreme internal pressure from my intelligence is forcing my hair follicles to fall out …. No one believes me
A cool thing about dogs is they never get to an age where they are developmentally required to think you’re a cringe idiot. I mean, it’s not a competition – but my dog has never asked me to drop him off a block away from his school.
The trick to successfully backing out of a parking space is to not care what happens to you or anyone else.
#rubbishjokes
I don’t like Russian dolls.They are so full of themselves.