I just felt a weird twitching somewhere inside me. I think it might be my liver waving a white flag.
You Might Also Like
I just typed “relationship” and it came up “delusional” on my phone. First time I realized my phone really is smart.
Nice try appliances that play music when the cycle is over. You’re not tricking me into enjoying housework.
Me: What makes you think I have trouble letting go?
Her: You woke me up at 3am to ask that?
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMFAO
Son: Sometimes I wish I was a triceratops!
Me: *imagining being crushed by a meteorite* Me too buddy
[girl brings me back to her apartment]
her: come to bed
me: just one sec [velcro noises] [more velcro noises] [too many velcro noises]
Before arbys gets sucked into the sun with the rest of the earth and everything you’ve ever known or loved, please come eat some of our crap
“stop making a mountain out of a molehill” I don’t even know what that means Bethany maybe see a dermatologist
“Hello, customer support. How may I help you? You’re looking for a refund? What seems to be the problem?… I understand. Please hold while I direct your call to our mean person.”
Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years?
Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?
As someone with extensive IT experience, I can almost guarantee the AT&T outage yesterday was over some certificate expiring somewhere and nobody knowing how to regenerate it because Carl got laid off seven years ago and the only machine with the keys decommissioned in 2019.
someone tried formatting these windows in a Word doc
I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.
You’re either part of the problem or the entire problem.
I told my boss I’m calling in sick today. He said, “You can’t do that when you’re already here.” Is that true you guys?
BOSS: *rubbing bridge of her nose* Why were you late again?
ME: Well it’s High Five Wednesday, and I passed an aquarium full of Octopuses
Me: Please, I beg of you, let me pet him one last time! I get separation anxiety!
Him: I’m just out walking my dog, lady.
Occasionally I set cases of beer out for the garbage men. Never know when you might need them to take out “suspicious” trash w/out questions
My kid’s latest drawing. Guys, should I be disturbed? I am disturbed.
My personal trainer said I should have a protein shake every night at 11pm.
That’s whey past my bedtime.
We told Grandpa that we were worried about him being quarantined alone with his bad hip and failing eyesight, but he told us not to worry because he’d gotten himself a dog.
He’s so proud of his work! 🤣
What do bats eat that makes their shit our standard for crazy?
Whoever said “find joy in the small things” clearly didn’t know my ex.
[montage of me giving-up]
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
My three-hour meeting ended 18 minutes early and the leader told us all to “enjoy that free time, take care of ourselves and relax” like she had just given us all free weeklong Princess cruises
All the baby books tell you that infants need to eat every 2 to 3 hours, but what they fail to mention is that this behavior continues until the child turns 18 and moves out of your house.
[November 2030]
*at the ocean*
“don’t forget your oil block, 800 spf sunblock and your radiation suits”
Kids: This fish has three heads
INVENTOR OF THE CEMETERY: what if I told you there was a legal way to hide a dead body