Are sharks attracted to or repelled by pickles? I need to pack my beach cooler just right.
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My wife and did it twice yesterday and we didn’t use any protection… I’m worried we might have twins.
Allergies right now are life’s way of playing “PSYCH”.
Ok 1st off, who exactly is “we” in “we have to go on a diet”, and more importantly, why is there salad on the plate where my food should be.
A parade of slow walkers meander behind my car as I’m trying to pull out of the parking space.
Leonardo the Vinci was 33 when he painted the sixteen chapel and here I am, 38 and I’ve not painted any chapels at all.
Why do I have so many emails?
I don’t mean mail, I mean addresses.
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
I’m watching CNN at 4am and there’s a commercial for a pot that’s “big enough to cook a hundred meatballs”
Boss: HR wants to see you
Me: What for?
Boss: Mandatory drug test
Me: Oh man, I really can’t do any more drugs after the weekend I had
What if a woman was Nunchucks?
– Inventor of Couples Figure Skating
Couldn’t remember the word ‘ostrich’ earlier so I called it a giraffe chicken.
I don’t know much about friends with benefits but i’m always carrying a snack or two if that counts
Dad: My mom warned me that nothing good ever happens after midnight.
Doctor: Sir, do you want to cut your baby’s umbilical cord or not?
that’s the thing with this thing, it’s very thingy
Me: *leads her to bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
Her: Nice
*4 rabbits jump out of a hat as a flower squirts water in her eye
Hate it when I yawn and the soul of the ageless demon nestled within my heart screams shrilly, audible to the town down in the valley, causing villagers to quake in fear and begin preparing another sacrifice.
My second account is trying to drive a wedge of suspicion between me and my Twitter crush.
My husband asked if I wanted to go on a hot air balloon ride but there’s just something about a flame & a wicker basket that makes me want to say no.
being in a hamock is so comfortabel bc it replicates our condition before birth: being caried to earth inside the beak of a giant pelican
The hiring manager calling me for an interview just said uhm about 300 times. Does that mean I got the job?
*wakes up*
*frantically searches the bed for the donut I was eating in my dream*
[spending entire date hiding the fact I’m really a beaver]
“ow”
what’s wrong?
“I got a splinter”
may I see?
“I guess so”
delicious
“pardon?”
I’m not saying I want to die choking on peanut butter, but that would be the only scenario where my friends can say I went out doing what I loved.
2 wants to be a firefighter when she gets big so she can “save all da people from da pigeons and spiders.” You’re welcome.
Imagine if we discovered another ocean. I hope we name it Billy
🎵If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my gourds🎵
~ The Pumpkin Spice Girls
I’m sure there’ll be some making distasteful jokes about Williams’ death. How annoying for them that he would have thought of funnier ones.
*mob meeting*
ayo new guy—who’re you?“they call me the butcher”
oh yea? why’s that, butch?
*smacks him with a pork loin* “no reason”
Firefighter: We have reports of a large fire??
Starbucks employee:
Firefighter: *audible sigh* Can you direct me to the VENTI fire?
Whoever made this compilation of Mel Blanc screaming in different cartoons is a saint.