Phones can’t detect my thumbprint. My career as a cat burglar is about to take off.
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My co-worker said he’s bleeding out of his ear. “That time of the month?” I replied.
He’s not amused.
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
Sometimes I type a ‘C’ when I meant to type an ‘A’. And now I have to apologize to my ‘Aunt’
Fifty Shades of Grey is only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he was living in a trailer park it would be a Criminal Minds episode.
When I laugh on my period
Me: You’re going to daycare today
3: Okay
Me: We’re almost at daycare
3: Okay
Me: We’re at daycare
3: *bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
3: I didn’t know I was going to daycare
me: how much is the funny smelling spray
clerk: perfume?
me: no the whole bottle
you should basically never start working until at least 10:30am. you should also start wrapping things up for the day around 3pm. and we musn’t forget about the traditional hour lunch.
It’s 5pm and I’m pretty sure my husband’s trying to get me drunk. Joke’s on him, I’ve been drunk since noon.
Always have a fake name at the ready so you don’t tell the cops something stupid, like “Andrew Granola.”
me: *just doesnt know when to quit* see you tomorrow
boss: *just doesnt know when to fire me* yep
I can’t wait til my kids become adults so I can go over their houses & throw clean laundry all over the floor.
[cruising down highway in friend’s car with windows down]
me: [opens bag of glitter]
“Ninja please” -Japanese people
You’d be surprised at all the discounts you get when you come in swinging a sword!
me: so you know when you lie on a resume and then you get the job and you’re just like, “I know how to do literally none of this”?
copilot: you’re leaning on the intercom.
Britain be like
Officer, why do you say “full body cavity search” like it’s a bad thing?
I thought we agreed on rhyming wedding vows Brenda I looked like an amateur out there
I was once told that if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. Due to this,I’ve been observing a vow of silence since 1997.
Dear every guy that works out excessively, the sun is out! NOW is your moment! It was all worth it! Take that shirt off and walk around!!
I’m alone and trying to fasten a bracelet, so I’ll be 3 hours late for work.
My kid fell off the bed and into the laundry basket head first. She’ll probably never forgive me for laughing so hard but I’m only human and that shits funny
Get married so when you pour your heart out, someone is always there to say, ‘what?’
5yo after licking my face: “Sorry. My mouth meant to kiss you but my brain told me to lick you.”
GOD: Okay so you’re super smart, this is the alphabet. You can use it—
DOLPHIN: What’s that one?
GOD: That’s an e.
DOLPHIN: I’m just gonna use that one.
GOD: But you—
DOLPHIN: Eeee-eeEEEeee. Like that.
My mailman says all the letters he gives me are sent by “forces beyond [his] control” and it’s not up to him whether they contain good news or bad news… literally doing the ~~I’m just a messenger~~ thing in 2021 like I’m a clueless little child
I’ve been battered by seafood puns
oh my cod
Got a new bottle of shampoo and now I’m using what’s left in the old one with the reckless abandon of someone who just won the lottery.
Imagine if your anxiety and your metabolism swapped jobs