FUN FACT:
Bears hibernate in the winter just to get away from Christmas music…
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I been hollering for the past 10 minutes 😂😂😂
With all the ghosting these days you’d think there’d be more documented ectoplasmic incidents.
People say I look amazing at my age. I just follow a simple routine of adding 10 years when I tell them how old I am.
As an imaginary forensic pathologist I’m pretty disappointed in how many full fingerprints I left on the scotch tape while wrapping presents.
A few strategically placed “and shit’s” can really spice up your online dating profile (ie: “I’m attentive and shit…passionate and shit.”)
Did my cat write this
This guy at the bar wouldn’t shut up about how Zombies “could be real”
So I killed him…
If he comes back…He wins the argument
[waiter brings plate of seaweed wrapped sushi]
ME-what do I do with this?
W-eat it lol
M-all of it?
W-yes
M-alright..[nervously bites plate]
I’m not saying I drink too much caffeine but I do believe my body will keep moving 48 hours after my death.
Love that ‘beat the number’ electronic sign speed game!
So fun when the officer celebrates your high score with the lights & a certificate!
Pregnant women love it if you go up to them in public and ask if it’s yours
My wife has literally everything in her purse. Today I needed tissues, a hammer, peanut butter and dice and she had 2 of each.
How do bananas greet each other?
“Yellow”
I’ll thank you kindly to stop rolling your eyes
Hyena: what’s my name again?
God: hyena.
Hyena: hi.
God: hi.
Hyena: i’m Ena : )
God: that-that’s not your name.
Hyena: oh. what is it?
God: hyena.
Hyena:
God:
Hyena: hi. i’m Ena : )
I can’t lose this last 20 pounds so I’m just telling everyone that I’m pregnant now.
My wife: let me borrow your phone a sec …
Me: [cartwheels into a volcano]
‘Chicks dig scars’ I quietly sob after nicking my thumb on a cat food lid
cop: you’re free to go
me: but
cop: go on now
me: please
cop: I SAID GET OUTTA HERE
me: *runs into the forest*
cop: :'(
I live with my husband, and my 14 y.o. son. I have learned that if I want to hide anything in our house all I need to do is put it behind something else and they’ll never find it.
ME: Okay, what exactly do you think bulls look like?
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE CONSTELLATIONS: 1 straight line and 2 bendy ones. That’s bulls.
Me: I’m late, I’m late for a very important date!
Date: 🙂
Fig: 🙁
Prune: bro, lol
Finally figured out the reason I look so bad in photos. It’s my face
911: How can I help you?
Me: MY HAND IS STUCK IN THIS PRINGLES CAN… I’M PANICKING
911: Let go of the chip Sir
Me: oh, ok….all good now
Two seats open.
One next to a good looking girl who noticed me as I walked in.
The other by a wall outlet.She’ll find love in another man.
Sorry I painted a hat on your head while you were sleeping, but I can’t knit.
Girl: I love Medieval Art
Boy: Who doesn’t? There he is now
Medieval Art: Good morrow! Pray tell- How fare thee on this day of providence?
“You can’t bring road kill on the plane.”
“It’s my carrion.”
I successfully hid chocolate chip cookies from my children, making today’s parenting score:
Kids: 43,290
Mom: 1
I accidentally used my mom’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here