kids today are missing out of the pre-streaming era, where your childhood was at least partially defined by some semi-obscure movie your family just happened to own on tape and you watched several dozen times
You Might Also Like
Me: if you’re a cop you have to tell me
Judge: way past that
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with air horns that sound like Seth Rogan’s laugh.
I’d like my parents to cheer for me for eating solid foods, taking steps, and sleeping thru the night now
I don’t want a sugar daddy but maybe like a sugar buddy. I just hit him up like “Hey how are you today?” and he replies “Doing great thanks for asking here’s $7,000. “
Older generations using outdated references is like younger generations using new slang. Both laugh at the other for not getting it.
Only I can prevent forest fires? Why are you leaving me in charge of forest fires? I can’t even prevent chafing.
My hometown is so charming. Everyone’s got the spirit animal of gum stuck under the diner table
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Can you hear my chips?
Me, watching Stranger Things: these scientists, these fools, play not a god who rends our world in twain.
Me, in real life, if scientists discovered a portal to another dimension: *slamming fists on table* OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT
How DARE you go the speed limit in a situation like this…
~Me, to anyone with the audacity to be in front of me when I’m running late.
*arrives late to the Time Management Skills meeting*
The gardener at my work put beer in the garden to catch slugs
SO GUESS WHO JUST BECAME A SLUG
The most British vandalism I’ve ever seen…
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Impossible.
Me: What? Why?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
My main motivation for staying healthy is that I hate talking to people and doctors have like so many questions
Relationship status: my period comes more often than I do.
I just ate an apple to keep doctors off me, now what do I need to eat to dodge the cops?
Wait for it…😂😂😂😂😂
Every workplace has a hard worker like this! 🤣🤣
INTERVIEWER: what’s a skill you want to improve?
ME: to realize when someone isn’t talking to me
JOE: uh…Excel
*raises hand* is it bc of the gravity
I’ve had 3 new bosses at work in the last 6 months.
I wonder when they’re going to bring me in for questioning.
I should move the bodies.
I keep trying to lose this last 180 pounds but he refuses to leave.
My dudes have been airbrushed so hard they look one of those hand drawn movie posters from Ghana
“I can’t, too busy”:
– no one believes you
– tired
– allows for future invitations“I can’t. Not since the accident”
– mysterious
– fresh
– prevents future invitations
Smoothies- the art of selling half a banana and a peach for £3.50.
#RubbishJokes #JokeDay
#FridayVibe
Do bodybuilding exterminators have better traps?
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%.
*slowly cracks open a beer while the cop explains why he pulled me over*
held the door for 4 dudes in a row today. not one thank you, not even a hop-skip to get to the door faster. y’all are turning my into a batman-style supervillain so freaking fast