*runs a marathon how Mick Jagger dances*
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Them: I’ll see you in court!
Me: Never![in court]
Me: (enters in head-to-toe camouflage]
Kids won’t remember they have homework but they’ll remember you promised them Robux if they did their chores for the whole month
My son’s impression of me is just him staring at his palm.
Eating a block of cheese is probably the most delicious way to figure out it’s time to get some groceries.
I can tell how much my company cares by their willingness to schedule a meeting, outside of work hours, to discuss how better to manage work/life balance
You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.
FRIEND: can you hold my keys?
ME: no [pulling another fanny pack out of my fanny pack] but you can
10’s teacher: Your son has excellent grades
Me: Cool
Teacher: And a very sarcastic sense of humor
Me: *tears up* I couldn’t be more proud
one time i couldn’t go to church because i was too busy describing a grilled cheese sandwich to a police sketch artist
#CoronaOutbreak
[Bank robbery]
*Other robbers jump into getaway van* “DRIVE! DRIVE! DRIVE!”
“Okie dokie.” * Starts to adjust mirrors*
Please help. My husband just started running. He runs in jeans. With a belt. I don’t have anyone I can talk to about this. I am so alone.
A warlock cursed me to forever be standing in line behind people trying to remember the name of a movie, and I know exactly what movie it is
Thinking about quitting my job to pursue my dream of not working.
boss: can we talk?
me: sure
boss: people are afraid of you because you’re obsessed with the devil
me: okay, first of all his name is lucifer
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
Just walked in front of my cat’s screen while he was on a zoom call.
Interviewer: your resume is very impressive, but what would you say is your biggest weakness
Me: lying on my resume probably
[dinner]
HER: don’t embarrass me tonight
ME: how would I do that?
WAITER: just an fyi we ran out of lettuce
ME: ok, everyone romaine calm
If you eat well and exercise, you’ll die fit.
“We’re promoting you to Anchor”
Reporters: 🙂
Sailors: 🙁
So apparently they don’t count as sit-ups if you’re just trying to get out of bed. Shame, as this morning I did about 9
My new erotic novel “Love in the time of autocorrect” will be out soon. Here is a sample
Saw a TV at the dumpster with a sign that said ‘free TV’ and boy do I feel stupid, I paid $200 for the last TV sitting at a dumpster
My 5 year old was pretending to leave for work, rode his bike to the end of the driveway and back and said he made $100 so my question is what is this job and where can I find one
[Courtroom]
Judge: Have you been up before me?
Convict: I don’t know, Judge. What time were you up this morning?
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
pretty cool how no matter what’s going on in the world, a teenager in a Metallica shirt will always look the same no matter what year it is.
A secret about trees is that nobody knows which are which. The most confident member of any party will simply say ‘That is a Dutch Elm’ and everybody will agree. But nobody actually knows. Nobody went to tree school. It’s a woodland grift. You stand in a copse of lies.
I told all my neighbors that I have a twin . . . so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.