My husband doesn’t understand why I don’t just lock the door if I want to go to the bathroom alone, so next time he goes to poop I’m going to bang on the door and scream the whole time.
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just spilled alphabet soup on my keyboard. I’m so confused
I haven’t been around a baby in so long I can’t even remember how to put their leash on.
Irony ~ giving my daughter a set of my old encyclopedias and she Googles “What’s an encyclopedia?”
My main goal in life is to become a cooking show judge
Mostly because I like to criticize people while I eat
I wish I could replace my central nervous system with a central confidence system.
If the Pottery Barn didn’t want me to bring my goat in the store, they shouldn’t have called it a barn.
College: You’re a very bright kid and we’d like to offer you a scholarship.
Ian: I’d prefer a scholarcar.
College: We’d like to withdraw our offer.
What idiot called it “Fox News” and not “white whine”?
When I was a kid we didn’t have to come home until the street lights came on, and sometimes our parents shot them out on purpose.
genie: you have three wishes
me: make firemen ugly
genie: you got it
me: instead of sliding down a pole make them climb out of a well
genie: ok
me: take the big ladder off their truck
genie: dude what’s your problem
Wife: I can’t find my phone
Me: Want me to call it?
Wife: Sure, I –
Me: PHONE, HERE BOY
lost dog
My husband says it’s not my chin hairs that embarrass him, it’s how I’m constantly trying to yank them out in public.
GENIE:3 wishes
ME:Can I wish for more?
G:No
M:I wish u couldn’t count
G:Done. How many do u have left?
M:A billion
G:
M:
G:That sounds right
Slut: desirable woman who has sex with someone other than yourself.
*shows up to the funeral in the same outfit as the deceased*
The guy next to me at the airport bar, after an hour of silence, suddenly pushed back his chair, locked eyes, and said, “It’s been a goddamn pleasure making your acquaintance,” and walked out. An A+ interaction.
Wonder why we didn’t get blimp sky view coverage of game.
FBI: oops wrong one
If any Disney execs are reading this, call me. I’ve got an idea for another Star Wars spin off. It’s called Paul Darth, Maul Cop.
Me: You’re asking me to do this work today? On the Friday of Friday? The AUDACITY.
Boss: Again, it’s called Thursday…
I’m trying out a new email sign off. I’ve replaced “Best,” with “I bequeath to you an unspecified curse,”
“Google Earth gives you the freedom to journey across the ocean and take an intimate look at the pyramids.”
*Googles my ex’s house*
Interviewer: When were you most satisfied at your last job?
Me: After lunch, next question.
Mars rover quietly killing whatever life it finds.
Person 1: The glass is 1/2 full
Person 2: The glass is 1/2 empty
Excel: The glass is the 1st of February
FRIEND. My daughter just hates her job
ME: My dogter loves hers
F: You mean dau..
ME: *shows her a pic of a puppy in scrubs* She’s a dogtor
I bought my dog a new bed because apparently a living room full of furniture and a king size bed isn’t comfy enough.
A policeman stops a car…
Policeman: “Whose car is this, where are you headed and what do you do for a living?”
Miner: “Mine.”
My childhood has prepared me for a lot more bear-related pic-a-nic-basket thefts than I’m currently experiencing.
How about the No Bucket Challenge? Basically you just give a charity some money and don’t tell anyone about it.