I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.
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[first date]
date: i’m an optimist
me: wow i’ve never met a transformer before
reasons my cat is yowling:
-she doesn’t want the food in her bowl
-she wants to be picked up
-she wants to be put back down
-she wants to play
-she doesn’t want her toys touched
-the mantelpiece is not high enough
-it’s raining
-the universe is large & she is its queen
FRIEND: haha she’s so cute—say it for him honey
HER TODDLER: the moon is cheeeeese
ME: well what have we here, a tiny liar
Accordion to a recent survey, inserting musical instruments into sentences largely goes unnoticed.
the beatles: all you need is love
haddaway: I have a question
I’m so lazy, if I got kidnapped I’d just think, “Well, this is where I live now.”
Welcome to your 40’s. Quality pens turn you on now.
probably should have split this into two separate stories guys
haha sucks for women that they have to sit down to poop
I’m choking laughing omfg 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Show everyone in the room you are thirsty by making a ‘muuaah’ sound every time someone kisses on the television!
wife: our house is on fire! who you gonna call?!
[later]
ghostbusters (standing in ashes): you really should’ve called the fire department
Establish dominance by saying “I thought you’d say that” in response to everything anyone says to you.
Any restaurant is a Drive-Thru if your brakes fail.
Imagine your card gets declined at Hogwarts and you have to go to public wizarding school
Disgusting if literal: Liverpool
A couple introduced me to their new born baby, “Herriot,” and I was like oh wow how old is she, 87?
We need to put an end to all these motion activated Halloween props displayed in the stores. I prefer to do all my leaping and high pitched fear shrieking at home.
Thank god attorneys let us know they’re attorneys “at law” so we don’t assume they’re attorneys at garlic bread or something.
My cat just knocked over my coffee mug and looked at me like it was my fault. How dare I put it on the edge of the table?
Men’s underwear watching them buy more t shirts
Evolution: so I have some good news and some bad news for you
Dung beetle: what’s the good news
Evolution: you won’t ever have to worry about student loans
Dung beetle: phew wow that’s great! What’s the bad news?
Evolution: well
therapist: are you still scared of your own existence?
me: I’m afraid I am
Cant believe they scheduled work at my 9-5 job the day after I decided to get drunk on a Wednesday I am appalled
The most productive species of beaver is the Eager.
Parenting Tip:
Place fake present under tree with unruly child’s name on it and when he misbehaves toss it into the burning fireplace
Sex is like riding a bike…..no matter how confident you are, you’re not allowed to do it naked in the park.
I tried quitting this mom job but the exit interview was just my kids saying “But why?” for 4 hours straight.
Me: *To my 5YO* Can I have your Twix? Those were my favorite at your age.
5YO: They used to make Twix when the world first started?
did you know the official veterinary term for your cat eating something it shouldn’t is “dietary indiscretion” which absolutely sounds like a cat politician trying to downplay its irresponsible past