You can learn a lot about what went on at my house over the weekend by following the wine splatter pattern.
You Might Also Like
For someone who dislikes Bill Gates, my dad sure does dress a lot like him.
I can eat Rice Krispy Treats for breakfast, because I’m an adult!
But hiding in the bathroom, because I’m a mom.
Gonna teach a bunch of old white guys the word “bae” so teens stop thinking it’s cool and it goes away forever.
My dance moves are so white Charlie Sheen tried to snort them.
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!We will we will drink you
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!*pours vodka after bad day*
When I die, just throw the laundry in my grave with me. I want to die exactly as I lived.
Turns out inside one of the IKEA sofa boxes was actually a marriage counselor.
[phone]
Me: Oh wow I love your voice
Her: Thanks!
Me: And your accent is so cool, are you from the south?
Her: Good guess!
Me: Oh yeah I love it down there, the weather, the food!
Her: Me too! It’s the best!
Me: It really is
Her: Anyway what’s your emergency
Me: I’ve been stabbed
If homosexuals come out of the closet, do necrophiliacs come out of the casket?
Struck by her beauty, Issac Newton leans in for a kiss. He receives an equal, but opposite, reaction.
Boss: *gives us company jerseys as a perk*
Me: Master has presented Dobby with clothes.
*pronounces injury like lingerie*
I make eating corn on the cob fun for everybody at the bbq by eating it in rows typewriter style and saying ‘ding’ loudly at the end of each row.
[Maroon 4 meeting]
Adam Levine: “Our band name sucks”
Drummer that no one knows the name of: “let’s think bigger”
Adam: “I’ve got it”
The skeletons in my closet are making inappropriate sexual advances at the monsters under my bed!
Roses are red, you always mattered,
Wife: he’s always confusing sayings…
Therapist: what if you’re just misinterpreting him?
Me: oooh, check you out playing devil’s avocado
Why do men named Bartholomew go by Bart when they could go by Mew?
If you guys don’t keep a child-sized oar in the car to row past slow drivers I’m not even sure you’re livin’ right.
If your kids are getting on your nerves you can take them sledding and watch them face plant into the snow for a sense of justice.
Some of your neighbors’ doors are too sophisticated to be unlocked with a credit card. For everything else, there’s MasterCard®.
Had to go to grocery store this morning. Out of habit, I put on lipstick. Had to take it off to put on my mask because the last thing I need is to look like the Joker on top everything else going wrong in this world.
Boss: You’re
Me: Doing great?
B: No, I’m letting you
M: Have the corner office?
B: go.
M: Why?
B: Constantly completing my sentences wrong.
marrying a French man really helped me understand the French revolution because once you’ve heard literally anyone from France talk about other French people you understand how ready this entire country is to just starting guillotining each other
Him: You need to be more active in your community.
My Community: NOOOOO!!!!
Cosmetic surgery is a great way to spend your life savings and end up looking like a surprised owl.
Watermelon Boss!
“You gotta keep ’em separated!” -the dude from the Offspring whenever he’s doing laundry.
[at a dinner party]
Me: I saw a UFO once
Wife: It was a frisbee
Me: At the park
Wife: Frisbee
Me: I took a pic
Wife: Of a frisbee in the air
Me: *shows pic*
Friend: Looks like a…
Wife: Frisbee