A few summers ago I stopped at some kids’ lemonade stand. As I took a sip, the youngest boy stuck his whole arm in the pitcher and stirred.
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Cop: GET DOWN ON THE GROUND
Me: I didn’t do…
Cop:*cuffing me* Dispatch, we have a creepy clown in custody
Me: These are my regular clothes
I’m not saying that I’m clueless. But I just realized that the guy that told me 8 years ago “I don’t like your pants, you should take them off *wink* ” was flirting with me.
My 5 year old said he was looking for a treasure chest but I thought he said cheddar chest and for a brief moment life as a pirate sounded beautiful
Mom, can teenagers drink coffee?
-my 5yo, planning ahead
My veterinarian asked a lot of personal questions. He was all like “Why do you want so much horse tranquilizer?” & “Do you even own horses?”
They invented ceiling fans after a bunch of people got their legs cut off by floor fans.
I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.
When I first went on the pill, I put on a bit of weight. Which proved to be a very effective contraceptive.
My kid said that she doesn’t have diarrhea, but she might have alittlesickarrhea
Starting to think the frog dissection skills I learned in high school are never going to pay off.
I’m fine, doctor. My heart rate was elevated because I was thinking about tacos
Me: I’ll definitely do it tomorrow.
Morgan Freeman: He wouldn’t.
Me: *chasing Morgan out of my house with broom* Why are you here again?
I feel like things started going downhill when phones stopped being born with umbilical cords.
When I got my epidural during childbirth I didn’t realize it was gonna wear off before the toddler years
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. And spiders. And enclosed spaces. And snakes. And heights. And diseases. And sharks. And that goddamn clown from “IT.” – My presidential inauguration speech
When I count my blessings, I count you twice, subtract 4, multiply by 8, and divide by 15 because I don’t know how math or blessings work.
Never meet your heroes. They’ll invariably disappoint you by asking a bunch of awkward questions about why you’ve been standing outside their house all night dressed as an owl.
The pig jumped into bed with my 6-year-old all by herself.
It was super cute.
Then the pig threw up all over her.
Considerably less cute.
[food naming committee]
… Ok. Cow?
– Beef
Ground up?
– Burger
Great. Pig?
– Pork
Baked & sliced?
– Ham
Super! Deer?
– Venison
Fish?
– Fish
Of course you can trust me with your secret.
*Calls local news team
Dear commercial,
If my family follows your advice and gives me Fitbit or exercise gear for Mother’s Day, prepare yourself for a lawsuit.
me: before you hire me, you should know i take things
interviewer: like what?
me: time and care
interviewer: oh haha
me: also xanax, company money, and two-hour morning shits
“You say you like intelligent men? Then look no further! Line forms to the….”
*Checks soles of both my shoes*
“….left, ladies.”
Me: it hit me completely out of the grey
Friend: *narrows eyes* you mean blue?
Me [secretly a dog in a trenchcoat]: …yes
is it thunder or is someone rolling out their garbage cans to the curb
The Vatican just deleted all the Pope’s tweets. Because NO ONE denies reality like the Catholic Church.
If, by chance, I ever overthrow a government in an English speaking country, my first act as new leader will be to un-silence the p in coup.
Does anybody know what day Easter falls on this year?
DONALD TRUMP (45 minutes into watching wall-e): this film is not what i hoped it would be
*leper colony removes ‘A Farewell to Arms’ from it’s ‘suggested reading list’