Two certain individuals today proclaimed me the worst mom ever because I took them to the dentist.
I FORCED THEM TO HAVE TEETH. Like, OMG.
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The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum’s meatloaf.
She can’t do the voice but she looks just like him.
Parenting is easy, until those kids wake up.
The thin membrane under the shell of a boiled egg is what’s left of the rooster’s broken condom, and that was my Dad’s sex talk. I’ll always remember that Easter.
Witches were never burned in the South because it led to too many arguments over BBQ techniques.
Is it me or do the unread books in the bookstore just seem shinier than the unread books at home?
can you read it!!??
maan!
My wife is visiting her mother this weekend, so the cat and I are smoking cigars and playing poker.
[pediatricians office]
8, after the flu vaccine: Daddy, now I can tell my whole class I got shot!
Me: Please don’t say it like that.
Is it safe for Ryan Gosling to wink at a girl that’s already pregnant or does it like, poke the baby?
Trying to drop kids to school on time is a great way to learn to cuss under your breath
Tandem parachute instructor: Is this your first time?
Me: No I’ve been terrified loads of times
Tandem parachute instructor: I meant doing this
Me: Oh yes, first ever hug and I like it
She was a mystery to me, much like the hair you find when you uncap the Chapstick.
jesus christ confetti not now
Forget hobbies and and interests, dating apps should require people to share their Amazon order histories.
[Takes out scrunchie and shakes out my slicked back ponytail] Take the mugshot again.
Ocean’s Eleven? Ummmm I’m pretty sure it’s a little older than that. Who is this idiot?
roman: how will we know which one is jesus
judas: imma kiss him
roman: why
judas: *applying lip gloss* lol i know right
Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve.
Don’t date men who will hold open a door for you. Date men who will punch a squirrel in the face for chittering it’s teeth at you.
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
You call it day drinking I call it very old grape juice in the morning
So unfair that I’m banned from Target. The sign said I could take three items into the dressing room and didn’t say one couldn’t be cake.
My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus
1st snow: let’s play in the snow!
2nd snow: let’s watch movies about snow.
3rd snow: let’s move.
why are they throwing soup at paintings when my mouth is right here
Daughter: what’s nostalgia?
Wife: it’s when you miss something that’s really old.
[later]
Me: I’m home from work!
Wife: aw we missed you!
Daughter: [whispers] nostalgia.
Mixology students be like, “My mint leaf dissertation needs to slap.”
90% of the men who cheat and get caught give bad name to the rest 10% who only cheat.
me: hey how much for the dinosaur
guide: that’s a giraffe
me: how much
guide: the animals aren’t for sale
me: ok gimme two of these giant broccolis how much
guide: those are trees
me: [sighs] how much