Remember to kick Friday right in the panty hamster.
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Ok so my husband and I are mad at each other, and I just noticed on the grocery list he wrote “A Better Attitude”
Do I laugh or….?
[trying to prove that I’m stronger than my 13 year old] best two out of three
Based on 2020 thus far, I’m expecting the flying monkeys of Oz to show up any time now.
Dinosaurs prolly have ghosts too, what if there’s a diplodocus just standing where your house is right now, bored as shit
[first date]
HER: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: *staring at my phone* Well for starters, I like to mind my own goddamn business.
My Favorite Chops:
1. Karate
2. Judo
3. Pork
Me: And for my third wish…
Genie: You realize that Little Caesar’s pizza is very affordable, right?
My wife teaches high school math and half of her time is spent just making sure that none of the math problems she gives to the kids end up with an answer of 69 or 420
Seriously you guys, the only reason to check Facebook, is to find out where people are going, and then go somewhere else.
My camera roll is 25% my kids and 75% things I couldn’t read and had to make bigger.
[explaining why we got fat]
Friend: I had a baby
Me: I had a donut
[Soldiers regrouping]
Where’s Jim?
He went M.I.A.
*Cut to Jim*
♫ All I wanna do
*bang bang bang bang*
*reloading noise*
And shoot enemies ♫
santa can deliver all those presents in one night because he’s mainlining that panera lemonade
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
I’m getting totally fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £9 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
All I’m saying is, there are too many songs about love and not enough songs about evenly layered nachos.
What they’re actually saying is “I can’t even [finish this sentence due to the complexities of being a white girl on the existential level]”
“lmao why do you guys keep calling it ‘The Last Supper ‘? Seems pretty ominous, right?”
-Jesus
Santa read your DMs. The only thing you’re getting for Christmas is a prayer group on Facebook.
9: How old was I when I was 3?
me *grabs hammer* *smashes college fund jar*
Me: *skips a rock perfectly across a pond*
Fred Flintstone: OH NO MY CELL PHONE
Interviewer: How do you define success?
Me: Being able to buy bacon when it’s not on sale.
Flew too close to the sun? Buddy, I live too close to the sun.
I have so many mistakes. It’s hard to choose a favourite.
I block people for being stupid.
…I block a lot of people.
I hate to be a stickler, but why is Jesus wearing a cross?
I’m 51 now, but still cling to the hope of me flying through a room horizontally shooting 2 handguns at once one day 😌💭
[being dragged out of a Spice Girls concert] AND SPORTY ISN’T AN ACTUAL SPICE EITHER
5 ants rented an apartment with 5 other ants.
Now they are tenants together.