I drain the spaghetti in the colander and every single piece slides perfectly through the holes
You Might Also Like
Remember the old ‘yawn and stretch’ move in the cinema with your crush?
me: hips like a canadian goose
girl in club: is that good?
People say “you’ll ruin your appetite” like I have to be hungry to eat.
Accidentally used a toe of newt and eye of frog and now Kermit wears a monocle.
[holding my brain upside down, shaking out its pockets] gimme your serotonin nerd
How Jesus was named:
Mary: Joseph, I’m having a baby.
Joseph: JESUS CHRIST!
Yes, I have an hourglass figure, as long as the hour was spent speed-eating Hobnobs at a competitive level.
my wife wants to take the kids out which would be great except she wants me to go too
CHASE: Hi we are calling to check for fraud you spent $40 at 7/11
ME: Yea
CHASE: Then you went to Taco Bell at 3am
ME: Are these questions
astronaut: houston come in
houston: this had better be important
astronaut: it’s urgent
houston: fine what
astronaut: [drinking soda out of the air] rootbeer float
If you come across a bear, never push a slower friend down…even if you feel the friendship has run its course.
Son: daddy why is the sky blue?
Me: it’s probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled
Wife: Thanks for escorting me to the subway. I feel much safer w/you around.
Me: Hey, if anyone’s going to murder my wife, it’s going to be me.
me: Baby shark doo doo doo doo doo doo baby shark doo doo doo doo doo baby shark! Mommy shark doo doo-
Other people on life raft: please stop
Me: hands up, this is a robbery?
7-11 cashier:
Therapist: what did we talk about
Me: (firmly) this is a robbery.
[weapons store]
ME: *holding up a spare pin* Has anybody seen my grenade?
son: can I borrow your tie for my interview
dad: my what
son: I need a tie
dad: one more time
son: *sighs* your business necklace
Target employee: Describe your lost item
Me: It’s a $400 rose gold Tory Burch wallet with 87 cents and 12 maxed out credit cards inside
Maroon 5 is playing. The crowd goes mild
*spills drink*
dammit these are my april pants
I’ve been dating a girl online who I think might be a Catfish. Every time I try to meet, her excuse is that she “can’t survive on dry land.”
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
I never thought I’d meet the man of my dreams while I was out running errands in sweat pants with no make-up on. And I was right
GOOD COP: I’m going to read you your rights
BAD COP: I’m going to beat a confession out of you
CENTRIST COP: you both make some good points
just gave your address to some spiders
I just wrote that it has already been an exceptionally long eeek and I don’t even feel the need to correct it.
Vet: “I can see the head…
…here’s the neck…
…more neck…
…more neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…still more neck…
…neck…
…it’s a giraffe!”
wife: That guy is texting and driving! That is so dangerous!
me [holding a donut in each hand and steering with my knee]: So dangerous
Me: Still thinks I’m young and hip
Also me: Drives 30 miles in the wrong direction with my turn signal on the entire time