if swimming is really exercise then why dont fish have mega muscles. yeah i thought so. drain the pool so we can skateboard in it
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I never tell people about how the pens on my desk double as excellent ball-scratchers BEFORE they put them in their mouths. That’d be silly.
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
The elites don’t want you to know this but the ducks at the park are free you can take them home I have 458 ducks
I have a thing for older men. Not cuz I have ‘daddy issues’, but because I also like to eat dinner at 4:30 and be asleep by 8pm.
[talking to daughter’s art major boyfriend]
“You know who else had a pointy beard? Satan.”
When I was growing up I always loved making sandcastles with my grandmother, at least until mom started hiding the urn.
You know you’re getting old when you have to watch shows that are in English with subtitles
[demonstrating my new invention, The Crocbrella] I did not think this through.
Me: He had short brown hair, a goatee, one earring…
Sketch artist: Are you just describing me?
Me: He had a sketch pad. Looked angry.
Whenever I don’t want to listen to a song in the car with my wife I just lean over and whisper “my ex loved this song”
ME: I’m taking it back.
WIFE: It’s fine, just sit down and eat your lunch.
ME (already at counter): How much do I owe you for the onion ring in my fries?
My period was late this month and my first thought after realizing it was, “I’m too young to be pregnant”.
Let the reader understand; I’m weeks away from 29 and already have two children.
I wonder what happens if you put on Axe body spray and Old Spice deodor-
POOF![ponytail appears]
*hears Christmas carolers*
Alexa, turn the sprinklers on.
I just spent ten minutes waving back to a guy in a storefront window before I realized he was just cleaning the glass.
[first day as doctor]
ME: *holding patient’s hand* I have some bad news
PATIENT: what is it
ME: I amputated the wrong hand
[i go to put out my electronic cigarette on a framed photo of someone i used to love but it only taps the glass] damn this piss hell future.
I like older men because their sense of humour was shaped before Family Guy was popular
I don’t usually spank the kids while we’re in Walmart but yours were just asking for it.
I’m not saying I want to die choking on peanut butter, but that would be the only scenario where my friends can say I went out doing what I loved.
I attempted a smoky eye for a Zoom pitch, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight so I’m going with that story.
Friend: So, you are distantly related to the family next door, are you?
Me: Yes, their dog is our dog’s brother.
If smartphones existed in the 80’s, most of us would have a parole officer.
is there nothing we can trust anymore
Hate eating nachos with someone at the theater and our fingers touch. Especially if I don’t know them, and they don’t know we’re sharing.
Now would be a really inconvenient time to get divorced because I just had a bunch of stuff monogrammed
In every successful relationship the MAN always has the last word – “Yes Dear.”
For Sale: Washing machine. Active Wear cycle never used.
That looks expensive and breakable, I should play with it.
– Every kid ever.
gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste
shadowfax: *holds up a dictionary with its front hooves* I can’t read