Dr: I need a urine and stool sample.
Me: *hands him my underwear*
Dr:……
Me: Its all there.
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This reads like the bunny is the First Lady and I can’t stop laughing.
If I was a mafia don’s wife, I’d keep the couches wrapped in plastic if only to keep my kids in line.
*raises the last donut to the sky like Simba*
I read a list earlier today of toxic things one should avoid
Anyway, thought of you
[bar]
HER: wanna get outta here? *winks*
ME: hell ya
HER: whatya thinkin?
ME: lets go to my place and arm wrestle
HER: what?
ME: u scared?
I get it, you have a philosophy degree, but I just want you to make my latte, not wax poetic about life, okay Baristotle? Extra foam please.
If your wife is a school crossing guard, you’re missing a huge opportunity if you don’t tell people she’s into human trafficking.
Jurassic park gets weird
Stop playing that stupid game and pick a Netflix movie Arthur!
You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.
Can you imagine the abject horror I experienced when I saw the groom pull out a guitar and tell us he was about to hold a sermon?
Him: what are you doing
Me: gas is so cheap right now
Him: ok but–
Me: *continues filling bathtub*
If it’s dark enough in the club, you can get away with using Monopoly money for a surprising amount of time before being thrown out.
*Jesus announces he is God’s son*
Questions?
*everyone raises hand*
No I can’t fly
*most hands drop*
Or throw lightning
*rest of hands drop*
Toddler: *crying* where are my cheese pants!?
Me: your what?
Toddler: MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: I’m confused
Toddler: I NEED MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: *crying* someone help me
[proposing to my Karate gf]
Me: So, will you marry me?
Her: I’m not sure….
Me: Dojo breakin’ my heart, LOL
Her: Now I’m sure it’s a no.
He kept asking to see “more” of me but for some reason my colonoscopy results were “too much”
Foh
ME: Can you call me when you get home later so I know you’re okay
TAXI DRIVER: Again, no
[i go to the aquarium wearing my cowboy boots and hat] “can we get extra security at the seahorse exhibit? yeah, he’s here again.”
[Independence Day – 2017]
ALIEN {auto-translated}: We. are. taking. over. the. leadership. of. your. country. Do. not. r—
WILL SMITH: Fine
*alien tries to burst through chest
*years of fried foods have made my stomach walls unbreakableMe: HAHA!
Alien: Laugh it up, now I have to go out the other way
Me:
the problem with being nice to people is you end up getting invited to their wedding.
[LUNCH INTERVIEW]
“Our office attire is formal, is that ok?”
*I adjust my tie and the little tie on my corndog*
Sure.
The best revenge is a life lived well or cyanide in their coffee.
Pros and cons of doing something you love:
Pros: It’s something you love
Cons: Doing.
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
Annual reminder.
If Christmas decorations were meant to go up in November then surely they’d be called novorations.
I spent a good portion of today sitting in a Snuggie watching Cops. Eventually, they told me to go home and put on pants.
In 1752, Benjamin Franklin invented electricity because it was no longer considered humane to execute people using an acoustic chair.