I want to be rich enough to leave the house-sitter notes like: “If the cheetah looks bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch Friends.”
You Might Also Like
Dr. Seuss: Would you could you in a box?
Would you could you with a fox?me: ok what kind of doctor are you anyway
I drain the spaghetti in the colander and every single piece slides perfectly through the holes
Accidentally drew my eyebrows on too dark and thick and now I live on Sesame Street with Ernie.
All of these jokes are gonna be a lot less funny when I die of laundry.
must be a load-bearing face plate. don’t want it coming loose.
me: *puts on reading glasses to eat a sandwich*
I want Grandmmarly, the app that passive aggressively corrects my grammar but also mails me a 5 dollar bill on my birthday
Her: What do you look for in a relationship?
Me: A way out.
My ex just followed me on Twitter.
That said:
“Say hello to Hitler for me, Mary.”
*BLOCKED*
At this rate, I can’t wait to see what the holiday decorations look like.
I wish I was born in a year ending in zero so it’d be easier to remember how old I am. Thanks for following.
TV: wanna watch a show about a white dude from Wisconsin?
Women: no
TV: he’s a serial killer who eats people
Women: WHY AM I NOT WATCHING THAT RIGHT NOW
5yo [pulling a baby hat out of a drawer]: Why do we have this? Is this for when we have more babies?
Me: Ye-
Husband: NO MORE BABIES.
we had no idea the Scorpion Team would be so aggressive
Sorry my emotional support panther ate your emotional support peacock.
No one sleeps with Gandalf because it takes him until first light on the fifth day to come.
anime mfs be like “i promise it gets better just wait till episode 561 bro”
I’m like Princess Peach in the way that I’m useless in a dress.
Don’t get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
Nothing makes you feel more like a genius than answering incorrectly to your kid’s interactive tv show…
me: ok I am gonna get on the roof to fix something
12, concerned: are you sure it will hold you?
My favorite thing about all the people waiting in line for the new iPhones is for those hours the rest of the world is a better place.
I go through the 7 stages of grief just to get to work everyday.
If I could have immunity to anything I would pick calories
12th Law of Nature: If an adult attempts to nap during the day, an equal and opposite adult will turn on a lawn mower.
The people in this spin class are looking at me like they’ve never seen a girl with a helmet before.
“What time is it?”
*pulls out phone, checks Twitter, puts phone away*
*Still has no idea what time it is*
Boy are people gonna be upset when they find out the God Particle is black…
Pink has done surprisingly well as a solo artist ever since her and Floyd split up.