ME: *does entire national anthem with armpit farts*
WIFE: see what I mean?
THERAPIST: Mmmhmm *writes in notes: “she’s nuts. This guy rules*
You Might Also Like
CLOSE THE DOOR, YOU’RE LETTING ALL THE WIFI OUT
I was mildly embarrassed, that one time at the liquor store, when I sampled the aged scotch because the look on the guy’s face clearly indicated I should not have shot it back like I was at a frat party.
A mom sat down next to me at the park, smiled and asked, “Which one’s yours?”
I replied, “None of them… yet.”
Her: Give me a chat up line?
Me: Uh ok, are you a zookeeper?
Her: *laughs* Because I’m so captivating?
Me: No, you smell like an animal.
*wins lottery*
Me: fill it to the top, Jeeves
Jeeves: But ma’am, your pool—
Me: I SAID MORE MAC AND CHEESE!!!
Teacher: you can be anything you want
Me: Beyonce
Her: well, not that
(we stare at each other blankly for 17 min…)
Me: Hi I’m Beyonce
Girl math is buying 3L of wine because you’ll need to deglaze one pan.
I had to quit jogging because I kept dropping my hotdog.
My Kid: (seeing Wife with a plate of fries) Mommy, can I have some of your fries?
Wife: No. (Points at me who is also having fries) Go ask Daddy
My Kid: Daddy, can I have some of Mommy’s fries
My Brain: Don’t high five your kid right now. Don’t high five your kid right now…
If you hold a gift card close enough to your ear you can hear the person who bought it saying, “this’ll do”
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
surgeon: how do you keep waking up and saying that
When I go into a gas station I always make sure I look cute and whistful because it’ll be the last footage people see of me if I get abducted and go missing. They’ll be crying, “her hair was on point 😭😭😭” “of course she got a Dr Pepper 😭 classic Summer”
Can’t stop laughing
The woman in the next chair is being quite rude to her hairstylist, so I can’t wait to see how the back of her hair turns out.
Me: I wanna travel somewhere
My bank account: To the other room? or?
My Pops told me that you can’t go around trying to save everyone. They have to save themselves. He was a terrible lifeguard.
Both of my girls wanted to stay home sick today until they found out the Wi-Fi was down.
waitress: *showing me around the restaurant* welcome, is this your first time?
me: no no I’ve eaten food before
[Concert]
Singer: ARE YOU ALL ENJOYING IT?!!Everyone: YEAAAHHHHH!!!!
Me: ᶦᵗ’ˢ ᵛᵉʳʸ ˡᵒᵘᵈ
[girl I’m talking to playfully touches my arm] Wait, do that again I wasn’t flexing.
at library
ME: This book wasn’t helpful at all!
LIBRARIAN: Why? What’s the problem?
BIRD: [mockingly] “Why? What’s the problem?”
this tweet changed my entire outlook on life
I hate corporate lingo. Stuff like “core competency” or “design out the problem” or “I’m gonna need you to go ahead and do some work today”
Name an organ more dramatic than the uterus
Like, she doesn’t get a baby and she throws an absolute fit. Tearing everything down and throwing it out in the lawn so now it’s everyone’s problem 🙄
“In just 4 years, you can get a 4 year degree!”
Yes, “university” commercial–that math checks out.
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
Me: I think I’m just scared of change.
Therapist: *flips a quarter*
Me: *screams*
“Romeo and Juliet” serves as a potent reminder to make sure you’re on the same page with your partner re: fake death plan
John Lennon: imagine all the people
Me: ew