Top uses for Golf Balls:
1. Describing hail storms
2. Describing tumors
3. Playing golf
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Saw a guy on the highway in the car next to me sneeze so I ran him off the road and into the barrier. We’re in this together, folks
I drank half a bottle of NyQuil and tried to call Audrey Hepburn on my microwave
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
Someone hugged me at the office Christmas party and now they know my safe word.
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your greatest weakness?
ME: Well, for starters, I’m unemployed.
Plastic silverware: because the only thing I hate more than poisoning the environment is washing dishes.
I have a migraine and my stomach hurts. A fast food burger and fries should help.
I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.
? 💀
PSYCHIC: I can feel a spirit in this house.
ME: Is it saying anything?
PSYCHIC: Yes, your car warranty is about to expire…
them: With great power comes great responsibility
me: *shuts off electricity*
My 5-year-old was pretend playing and she said to herself, “I’m super old, I’m 36” And I sent her to her room because the disrespect.
All I’m saying is if getting weighed naked at the doctor’s office wasn’t discouraged, people’s weight at home and at the doctor’s office would be much closer.
ME: Whats the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled?
WIFE: Cooler
ME: *lights cigarette and runs my fingers through my hair* What’s the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled, babe?
drive thru: can I take your order?
me: no I want it
Your skull is only a centimeter thick and other reassurances.
A woman at work told me I had great energy which is entirely plausible as I just ate a lithium battery.
I’ve never been addicted to drugs, but I imagine the urge is what my mother-in-law feels to rearrange my utensil drawer at my house.
Just got kicked out of Chipotle for knowing what I wanted when I got to the front of the line.
I want to do the #nakedchallenge to see my boyfriend’s reaction, I just need a tiktok account and a boyfriend
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
Oh, your kids sit down and eat dinner? That’s cool. Mine perform interpretive dance in the kitchen while their food gets cold.
Actually, I thought 50 Shades Of Grey was about Taco Bell meat.
I have the grace of a baby giraffe on a bicycle.
Them: “can you just be cool for like once, maybe?”
Me: *whips a kazoo out from my pocket protector* “say no more my friend… say no more”
My phone should just know if the passcode is entered incorrectly the first 3 times then it’s definitely me.
a bunch of us teens are going out to the forest to burn a piece of paper that says ‘responsibilities’ on it. for symbolism
an ear doctor’s practice called “hear, here” somebody write that down
*me in a horror movie*
me: a knife? HA
killer: [pauses confused]
me: this year I’ve survived isolation, social upheaval, reduced wages, and a plague, and you’re gonna kill me with that dumb knife?! hahahaHAHAHAHAHA
k: [shoulders slump with embarrassment]
Friend: If someone broke into my house, my dog would rip them to shreds.
Me: If someone broke into mine, my dog would make a cheese plate and open a nice bottle of wine.