“Have u seen my cat?”
“I saw a cat down the road?”
“Really? [shows me a picture] was it this cat?”
“No, the one I saw was dead.”
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[1st ever peacock to open up his tail]
hey fellas, I dunno what it is, but
i. feel. fantastic.
For Mother’s Day, my sister gave me an “easy to care for” orchid. All it needs to stay alive is a place in my house that maintains an exact temperature of 63 degrees every minute of the day and to be given 5 1/2 drops of water every 789 minutes.
We need to bring back house parties in a big way. There is something so special about talking to a guy on a couch
Twitter is like being able to read every toilet wall in the world.
Bobcat Escapes National Zoo #WhatDoYouThink?
Find someone who cares about you as much as gmail cares about new devices signing into your account
They say dress for the job you want, so here I am, causally dressed as the moon
I’ll be providing your mandatory security training today. “Stop clicking things!”
My ex got me one of those mermaid tail blankets and when I told my mom she said I don’t need to hear about your perverse sexual proclivities and I think of this often
“Where do you get your ideas?” he said.
“Same place you do,” she said.
“No, seriously-”
“And I go early so I can take all the best ones.”
*casually walks into a crowded Sushi Restaurant wearing a dolphin costume* *suddenly stops, looks horrified, & backs slowly out the door*
I have 2 moods:
NAMASTE
&
NAMASTAB
Home alone tonight
The fridge is making weird noises
I think the beer wants out….
Not to brag but I just completed my resolution from 1987.
*correctly programs VCR*
Mean while, back on Facebook, Jennifer is blaming the birth of her son for her being fat.
Her son is 6 ….
I got my patience from waiting half the day to download a song from Limewire
[turns to buddy just before bar fight]
“I’ll take the guy with the glasses, you take the guy dressed as a ninja”
Do you think Jesus described his hair color as light blonde or summer wheat?
I’m a kleptomaniac
It’s ok though, I’m taking something for it
Inflation is actually a good thing it means money is going viral
If you care about someone,
even a little bit.
I beg of you.
Please.
TELL THEM WHEN THEY HAVE SOMETHING IN THEIR TEETH.
Crazy how Jeff Bezos could’ve ended world hunger but instead he chose to cheat on his wife, which cost even more
PMS is no joke, you guys. I just ate like three bags of Reese’s Pieces.
Oh, and my wife’s really being a bitch.
I need a bathtub filled with chicken nuggets.
No time for questions.
Name’s Bond. James Bond. *Drinks martini* Jame’s Bond. Names Bond. *drinks another martini* Bame’s Jond. *Drinks 1 more* THIS IS MY SONG WOO
Her: Undress me with your words…
Me: I saw a spider in your bra.
[before nap]
I’ll be really productive once I get some sleep!
[after nap]
well now it’s way too late to do anything
If you’re wondering if humans are idiots we hunt ducks with guns when they will walk right up to you if you have bread
Next on Fox News, men on women’s issues, white men on black issues, rich men discuss the poor and straight men talk about gays.
He died in the bath trying to make a YouTube video entitled ‘Aqua-Toast’.