jury duty is so unserious. like uh oh it’s time for my government-mandated gossiping!
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Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.
me: most dust is human skin flakes therefore roombas are carnivorous robots and one day the dust won’t satiate them anymore so they will rise up and devour us all
therapist: can we go back to discussing your childhood
me: one sec
I have a huge advantage in Wordle because I have had the alphabet memorized for over 10 years.
Forget a beach bod I want a bat’s bod give me giant fangs and the long, leathery wings I need to rule the night
I left Facebook because of the arguments about politics. That and seeing relatives I can’t stand. It was like having a family Christmas dinner every day.
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: oh god
doctor: *hands me test results* you look, I’m too scared
I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you’re scrolling on your phone
[sermon]
There will come a day when Christ will drive out evil from our land, and it will be the Judgment Day!
*T-1000 shifts nervously*
thankfully, most bananas are boneless
Kate Middleton is in between Kate Lefton and Kate Righton.
Me: No guts, no glory.
Skeleton: Wow, I’m like right here.
If I ever tell you to “Be the ball,” I’m not coaching you…I’m preparing you for my nine iron.
WHAT YOU SAY: Hi, my name’s Timothy but you can call me Tim
WHAT I HEAR: Hi, my name’s [DEAFENING STATIC] but you can call me ‘mate’ until one of us leaves this job
I think it’s fun how Hollywood gets to make as many Superman movies as they want until they get it right.
I don’t hate anyone. I just don’t like people.
I showed my kids how to use encyclopedias. I stacked four of them to reach something on the top shelf.
Dude (seeing girlfriend use eyelash-growing serum): I need a ton of this before my high school reunion
[at reunion]
Classmate: You have spikey black hair? I’d heard you’d gone bald
Dude: Just temporarily (his head blinks)
i asked my husband to get something larger than the tiny bottle of olive oil he usually buys…
My mouth says: Yes, yes! Keep eating that candy!
My pants say: For the love of god, I cannot hold on much longer!
You’ve got to question the legitimacy of the Burger Kingdom if the Burger King is just handing out crowns to anybody willy-nilly.
*presses the wrong button on the elevator and the elevator starts filling with water*
“Not again.”
4 thinks the lead singer of Queen was Freddie Macaroni and he won’t be taking any further questions on this
I’ve got some sick beats.
No. Really. I need to take them to a doctor. The antibiotics aren’t working.
[during home renovation]
My spouse, screaming: There’s a dead body in the walls!
Me: What a relief, I was afraid you found mold.
5: Mommy, we can eat something if we not allergic?
Me: yep
5:right now?
Me:sure
5:BROTHER! Mom said we can have ice cream!
Me: sonofa…
Nothing starts a conversation quite like wearing a tiara in Walmart.
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter.
How dairy
Me: I miss you.
My hairdresser: Did you do something to your hair? Please don’t. For the love of god, everything is hard enough without that. Don’t touch it.
Me: No, I just miss —
My hairdresser: Don’t touch it.
[stranded on a desert island]
*finds a message in a bottle*
hey honey, where do we keep the teabags?