[first cat being domesticated]
What’s that thing your petting?
“It’s called a cat”
Do they bite?
“Oh ya LOL all the time!”
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Person: I like you
Me: *eyes narrow* Why
My kid asked me where babies came from and I was like “Dude, ask your Mom. I still can’t figure out why Garfield talks and Odie doesn’t.”
The Purge: Valentine’s Day
“U can legally stab someone if u suspect they’re a Gary.”
-no you can’t
*pulling knife from sheath*
“Sounds like somthin a Gary would say”
Everyone compliments the jumpsuit when you wear it out—but when you get to the bathroom it’s just you and your choices
Guy 1: I do a poor impression of Sean Connery.
Guy 2: Shame.
Audrey Hepburn probably has my favorite last name that combines an STD and a symptom of an STD
My favorite part of Beethoven’s 5th symphony is the rap battle 18 minutes in.
I knew this neighborhood was classy enough for me when I saw there is a “Pregnant Only” parking spot in front of the Liquor store.
No handshakes?! Then how am I supposed to know when the mating ritual is over?
Living check to check is fine til you go from “Think I’ll treat myself to a $7 latte” to “Which kid do I sell to pay for these car repairs.”
HIM: tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: i’m on wheel of fortune and i spin it so hard it lights on fire
HIM: i meant like-
ME: everyone claps
I now know I drink too much. I walked out on my deck and swear I heard a mosquito yell out to his all his friends that the bar just opened.
Pretty upsetting that during such a time of pandemic, some people are refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
Man: You’re killing me
Comedian: [strangling man with cloth] this is great material
[punches shark on the nose[
shark: that wont stop me
me: are u crying
shark: no its always wet & salty on my face
Mad Max Arctic Road
experienced cop: it’s ok kid, you get used to it
millennial rookie cop, retching near murder scene: the coffee you brought was not artisanal
Me: I’m sorry; I don’t remember your name. I know it starts with an S though…. Sledgehammer, Salamander, Slappy…
Him: Steve…my name is Steve.
Me: Yeah, no, I would’ve never gotten that.
I’m just eating cereal out of a bucket now, like a horse
wife: We just ate, why are you making pancakes?
me: They’re for the dogs
wife: Why are you making pancakes for the dogs?
me: They don’t know how
god I hope there’s no such thing as reincarnation I’m way too tired to do this again
interviewer: we’ve decided to go with another candidate
me [slides can of spinach across table]: what about now?
interviewer: wrong popeyes
me [slides second can of spinach across table]: and now?
[first date]
HER: I like classic cars
ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels
My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.
Withholding sex from you people isn’t working.
dentist: lay on the chair please
me: ok
dentist: face up
In Twilight, if Jacob just got some therapy maybe he could be a Self-Awarewolf
Couples who finish each other’s sentences have killed before and will kill again.
Thank you for the lovely invitation card, I will be using it to remove spiders from my house for the foreseeable future.