My mate called me an idiot for always getting my idioms wrong but it takes one to know someone.
You Might Also Like
How much longer?
Did you bring any snacks?
They want $5 for M&M’s!
I wanna go home
Is it over yet?– me watching my kids Christmas pageant
I wonder how many times they edited the Bible to take out whenever Jesus said “anyhoo”
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of a restaurant booth I like to imagine they’re on a double date with ghosts
A married woman hit on me today and it was the most uncomfortable and awkward moment I’ve ever had with my wife.
I trained my dog to shake for a treat and now he works the room like the groom at his reception.
I’ve never had a problem stepping up to the plate.
We’re talking about food, right?
My daughter said her English class requires 1,000 pages of summer reading so we went to The Cheesecake Factory and I handed her a menu
Publisher: it’s genuinely awful to spend time with your main character, no redeeming qualities whatsoever. can we change that?
Me: it’s my autobiography.
Ad: ‘Did you know facebook dating is totally free?’
Me: oh, I think there’s a cost.
This is the final season of Young Sheldon.
I hope they don’t kill him off.
I’ve been reading your Oscar tweets, and America should not vote on things as a general rule going forward.
so
the limit is 412 chicken nuggets
ordered a few pizzas for dinner online, but i forgot to click the “later” setting, so now we’re having dinner at 1:50pm.
And I was never asked to make anything for the school bake sale again
My swear jar is now worth more than my stock portfolio.
Vader: Join the dark side!
Luke: Maybe. What’s your Wi-Fi password?
Vader: We don’t have Wi-Fi.
Luke: I’LL NEVER JOIN YOU!
Me: *pointing gun* put all the money in the bag
Him: sir this is a food bank
Me: put all the broccoli in the bag
Leave Twitter just because it’s lacking infrastructure and is terribly understaffed?
Babe, I’m a public school teacher 😅
[creation of snakes]
GOD: What happened here?
ANGEL: You said make them armless…
GOD: Harmless!
ANGEL: Ohhh
SNAKE: YOU IDIOTS!
Heard covid makes everything taste like lacroix. I am now wearing seven masks
Just once I’d like a number between 1 and 10 to think of me.
I wish I was poplar. No, that’s not a typo. I wish I was a tree.
A co-worker is retiring, so they’re passing a card around filled with cash. I only took $10 but normally my signature is worth much more.
(during sex)
Her: Make me scream
Me: *let’s loose tarantula on her chest*
Yesterday my colleague called me a ‘laptop murderer’ because I cut my computer in half to make it more portable. Does anyone else do this? Is it just me?
Puts cardboard cutout of myself at my desk a week ago*
Receives check*
Dang I just got a raise
on this day in 2001 my roommate picked up the phone and canceled at 93% my Napster download of Ms. Jackson by Outkast that had been going for 11 hours
Not to brag but my bank says I have an outstanding balance.
imagine giving a baby gold then watching a guy whose present is a drum solo and realizing how badly you overshot it
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home