I hide the fact that I can’t swim by eating every 15 minutes.
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cw: what did you do at the weekend?
me: friends treated me to a bloated birthday meal
cw: I think you mean belated?
m: *recalling the deep-fried pufferfish* I know exactly what I mean
My friend asked for suggestions for something short and funny to watch so I suggested my 12yo son.
me, to my kid: you have a job- you eat breakfast, you get dressed, brush your hair and teeth and put on shoes
my kid: I hate my job. I wanna quit.
Me teaching Wilderness Survival Class:
“OK EVERYBODY WATCH CAREFULLY AS I DRIVE *AWAY* FROM THE WILDERNESS.”
Goldfish 1: People are dumb. They actually think our memories only last for 3 seconds.
Goldfish 2: That is absolutely ridiculous.
Goldfish 1: What is absolutely ridiculous?
WIFE: Please stop.
ME: Stop what?
WIFE: Singing in the shower.
ME: What’s the big deal?
WIFE: You’re scaring everyone at Home Depot.
We’re making cars that are almost silent but can’t figure out how to do that with leaf blowers at 7AM in the morning?
I kinda feel like everyone shakes their head a little too much when they see me coming
Horses kill more people than sharks, which is weird — I didn’t even know horses could live underwater.
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself
Tyrannosaurus Clark Kent, unable to do shit because he can’t remove his glasses
I just vacuumed my dog to cut down on indoor shedding, if you’re looking for a life coach or whatever.
I like to send homemade gifts to people.
Which one of my kids do you want?
Her: You’re so skeptical of everything.
Me: I can’t believe you just said that.
UK English: colour, realise, marvellous
US English: color, realize, marvelous
Canadian English: All of the above are correct. We will use both in the same article and its useless to try and stop us, spellcheck softwares.
PriGOzhin? More like PriWENTzhin.
kid: I feel funny, mom
mom: that’s why we’re sending you to clown school
The number of people I have accidentally assaulted while talking with my hands is less than fifty, probably.
Definitely less than a hundred.
[Me]: What’s a snowman’s favorite drink?
[Bartender]: idk
[Me]: Brrrr-bon lol
[Bartender]: …
[Me]: jk snowmen don’t drink they aren’t real
My wife just shouted “I’M NOT A MIND READER” during an argument that began with her saying “I know what you’re thinking”
date: do you like a little danger?
me: sure do. danger’s my middle name… unfortunately my first name’s stranger. and your mother probably warned you about me
1995: oh cool, an online book store
2025: “please scan this qr code and take a brief survey in order to flush your toilet”
pls don’t buy me anything family size i have no self control and no family
it must be school picture day
Bringing home a sharpie
Delivering eulogy at o’possum’s funeral: Before I start I’d like to give Jeff a few more minutes to come around.
1. Stand in sauna
2. Add 30,000 strangers
3. Take 2 steps every 30 seconds
4. Repeat for 12 hoursCongratulations! How was Disneyworld?
A woman’s asshole is like a 9 volt battery. You know you shouldn’t, but sooner or later you’re gonna put your tongue on it.
Got to my dad’s house and he was showing me all the food he has for me to snack on and he goes “and I have a guacamole ball” what’s a guacamole ball you ask? well I will tell you. an avocado. He has an avocado.
Dear Ninja Turtles,
Why are you wearing masks? There are no other giant, mutated turtles. No one’s gonna mistake a different turtle for you.