[parent-teacher conference] *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
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I’d survive scream bc i don’t answer the phone ever
[in someone else’s master bathroom]
5-year-old: They have two sinks.
Me: Yeah.
5: One for each hand.
5 walked in on sexy time last night and yelled “Mommy’s in danger” so I’m just wondering if it’s better to explain it to her teacher or just wait for the call?
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
If you watch Titanic backwards it’s about a boy named Jack who leaves his underwater home, saves a rich lady, puts a sinking ship back together through sheer power of will and then becomes super poor and dirty
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
Last night my wife was watching Marie Kondo, this morning I woke up on the curb.
me: it’s the basis for all life on earth if you take my point so technically any form of romance is carbon dating
archaeologist: how did you find me?
who named him groot and not spruce lee
“Remember six seconds ago when you were comfortable?”
– oscillating fans
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship No, I don’t think we are on the same page.
Sweatpants ✅
Headband ✅
Wristbands ✅
Jockstrap ✅“Welcome to Olive Garden’s all you can eat pasta night.”
I was pretty high last night & I was like wouldn’t it be cool if there was a tiny little grocery store in everybody’s home, like a personalized little convenience store for one, and then I realized that I was literally just describing the experience of walking into ur own kitchen
RRH: Grandma, what big eyes you have. And what big ears you have. And what big TEETH you have!
Grandma: You’re my least favorite grandchild
That which doesn’t kill you better run for its life when you get back on your feet.
Him, a vampire: This isn’t going to work.
Her: Is it because my name is Buffy?
Him: Yes.
Her: Hey, don’t hate the slayer, hate the name.
Me: I’m gonna search the periodic table for relief from my cramps haha get it?
Him: Actually there are elements that can help. Magnesium for example is calming and-
Me: What’s the symbol for arsenic?
I only need to lose 30 pounds by the end of the year to hit my resolution to lose 20 pounds
*cop sees chalk outline on family’s driveway* “Damn, a cute bunny was murdered”
“No, the kids who live here drew that, the body’s over here”
this morning i found a spider trapped in its own web and i was like, dude, same
*knocks on woman’s washroom*
Hello anyone in here?
*no one answers*
*runs in & lifts up every toilet seat*
HAHAHA
*runs away giggling*
I’m going to make a secret pornography organization called The Illuminaughty.
Yesterday the vet asked if our cat was sleeping too much and I wondered if they knew she was, in fact, a cat.
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
[after first date]
Him: I had a great time, I’d love to see you again
Her: Yes, we should do this again sometime but with other people
I want to open a pizza shop called “Cheesus Crust!” Our slogan will be: “Heavenly ingredients, served hot as Hell.” -or- “Crust has risen.”
me: ever been sued for enamel cruelty?
dentist: how are you talking out your nose
When angered, the female can text message at speeds of up to 1,600 words per minute.
Instead of the little blue bird Twitter should have used a rooster for it’s emblem.
What could represent this place better than a creature that starts screaming every time a new day begins?
The best way to avoid being left with the bill when dining out with friends is by not having any friends.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.