Tried to type “I’m on my way” and autocorrect changed it to “I’m in my way” and that is probably way more accurate.
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rotate my tires? buddy, I rotate em all the time. that’s how the car gets places
if ever go missing please only put pictures of me on the news where i look skinny and hot even if that means they won’t find me
Can’t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
Up to 300 serial killers are active every day but the good news is that some of us have been incapacitated by the internet.
If you like being used as a giant Kleenex, working with young children may be right for you.
Me: This is DISGUSTING! WHO PEED ON THE WALL?!
7yo: Not me. I only pee on the floor.
WAITER: how was everything
ME: [rubbing belly] so delicious. thank u
WAITER: great. please stop rubbing my belly
Don’t charge people for Twitter itself but charge them every time they tweet
Would stop most of the arguments on here. No way am I spending money debating with Loves_2_Spooge69 on why Spider-man having an extra line on his mask in NWH is ok.
Last year my ex and I dressed as opposing political parties for Halloween… best hate sex we ever had.
After having a backup camera, it’s really hard to not have one. Driving my daughter’s car and I just assume that I probably backed over a short person.
I need a pain relieving patch that covers my whole body
Panty-less waxed woman hanging off a bridge “I’m gonna jump into that canoe”. Me: “No that’s your reflection”.
When I lay all my cards out on the table, people be like “Damn, where you get all them cards?”
I just realized that I forgot to scan the 2 packs of sparkling water at target on Sunday. Apparently this is how my life of crime begins.
friend: Are you eating a whole frozen pizza by yourself?
me: It was on sale for $4
friend: I wasnt asking because I thought it was expensive
When you text “Hugs” to someone and autocorrect decides what they really need is a lesson in particle physics and changes it to “Higgs”.
much to think about
Came downstairs to watch the game and the channel had changed. Looked at the dog, he looked back, then slowly slid his paw off the remote.
Day 1,459 of my son acting shocked and aggrieved when I tell him to go brush his teeth before bed.
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now.
Me: *applying camouflage paint* I very much doubt that.
Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it
[interview]
Ok, don’t let them know you’re naked
“Why are you naked?”
dammit
Astronomers believe a black hole that’s 5 centimeters wide might be orbiting the Sun somewhere beyond Pluto.
We’re not going to try to do anything about it.
And that’s how small problems become large problems.
Her: I thought you said you were ordering spicy food.
Me, choking on 14 churros: CINNAMON’S A SPICE
If I buy the circus the monkey will be the manager.
When I see a “How am I driving?” sticker, I want to take the driver in my arms and tell them that I too have questions about my existence
Her: (Sigh) How did you burn the Thanksgiving Turkey?
Me: I followed the directions. 20 minutes a pound at 325 degrees. I weigh 175 pounds!
grandma: you kids are always on your silly phones
me: *looking at her on the floor with a broken hip* listen do you want me to call 911 or not
Who died and made you king? Oh the king before you died. Well that makes sen- Oh he was your father. Well then I’m very sorry for your loss.
I HAD
THE TIME OF MY LIFE
AND I NEVER FELT THIS WAY BEFORE