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Husband: my back hurts
Me, cracking my neck and knuckles while speaking in a fake Russian accent: I massage you???
PHILOSOPHY MAJOR: humanity is at risk
STEM MAJOR: because global warming is affecting sea levels
ENGLISH MAJOR: is it affecting or effecting
don’t care who let the cat out of the bag. who’s puttin cats in bags
[Reporting live on scene]
Weatherman: how much rain are you seeing?
Me: Christ Gary, all of it.
a bird blows up trying to match princess fiona’s vocal range and then fiona eats the bird’s eggs for breakfast. shrek was wild.
just saw a guy pull down his sunglasses and look at a firetruck go by like a sexy lady in an 80s movie
Jacob Marley: You will be haunted, by three spirits
Me: Ok, like that’s any worse than being haunted by the stupid thing I said in science class back in 2000.
Joined a band called The Upholsterers. We do Furniture covers.
me: would you like beans?
3: no
me, trying to instill manners: no…what?
3: no beans
YOUTH 1: lol
YOUTH 2: wtf
YOUTH 1: lmao
YOUTH 2: ikr
ME [trying to fit in]: obgyn
I always cry at those YouTube videos of babies getting hearing aids and hearing their mother’s criticism for the first time.
Think I pulled my liver
It’s possible to suck at everything if you put your mouth to it.
Her: I bought a wireless bra today.
Him: What’s the password?
[young Santa Claus’s dating profile] looking for a girl who loves snow, living in perpetual darkness and cooking for thousands of elf slaves
I’ve made it to 10am without eating my lunch what more do you want from me
Dude: You got a light?
Me: Sure.
*hand him a flashlight*
Dude: I mean for my cigarette.
Me: Yeah, he can use it.
I’m at the age where I look good “for my age”
[tasting wine]
ah yes, good nose, medium bodied & saucy, racy acidity, robust tannins, hint of dark currant, but vodka still exists so literally none of this matters
ME: I’d like to register my kid for school.
SCHOOL REGISTRAR: Sir, that’s a goat.
ME: *proudly* A BABY goat.
Launched an important petition today. This is a cause that’s very dear to my heart
Han: Leave us alone, you fat slug!
Jabba: *speaks Huttese*
C-3PO: The mighty Jabbs says your words are hurtful. He has a thyroid problem.
Kidnappers: *repeatedly dropping me as I slip through their grip*
Me: *earnestly apologizing for how sweaty I get during social interactions*
birds are named like red cockaded woodpecker and black headed grosbeak and no one says shit about it
If you ever see me with one of those stick figure family bumper stickers it means I’m dead and someone is wearing my skin
HOT SINGLE MUMS IN YOUR AREA ARE LOOKING FOR YOU!
Oh god I hope it’s not another bake sale
Sometimes it’s just nice to sit back, relax, and watch shit happen to someone else for a change.
[after meditating]: I’m still angry, but in a calmer way
[first day as a pharmacist]
ME: Where are all the animals?