I secretly replaced my husbands coffee with the empty toilet paper roll he left in the bathroom. Let’s see if he notices.
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Easiest way to make friends? Craigslist
Hardest way? Hmm probably putting your chin on a stranger’s shoulder from behind them at an Arby’s
Today is the only day you can ghost someone and blame it on being festive.
who wore it better?
8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.
The only indoor security camera that I have is inside my fridge, I want to capture the face of whoever steals my cheesecake.
If you dropped two noodles on the floor, they would probably resemble my name more than my signature does…
When I wished for simpler times, I didn’t mean people’s IQs
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
people are saying The Quiet Place is a scary movie but as a husband and father of four it sounds magical
Wanna know my secret to rock hard abs? I ride the mechanical duck outside the grocery store 300 times a day.
*hurls Scrabble board at you*
[uses your words against you]
If my memory foam mattress really had “memory,” it could write for Penthouse.
congratulations to them
when i mistake a brief silence during an argument with my wife as my turn to speak
I wonder if somewhere there’s a seal colony that likes listening to a singer named Human.
Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen.
Me: so was this pie
“I don’t have this many cats to sleep alone,” I yell threateningly down the hall to my cats who are all sleeping in the living room.
me: wow the stars are beautiful
gf: omg babe they really are
me: u know who else is beautiful?
gf: *blushes* who? :3
me: Harambe
Dude just wanted a popsicle…
GOD: ask me anything
ME: why aren’t there middlecase letters?
GOD: *reaching for a button labeled “flood the earth again”*
ME: how long will it take to remodel my house?
CONTRACTOR: only about 2 months
[9 years later]
CONTRACTOR: ok so we’ve installed 1 stair
*puts you on pedestal*
*vacuums where you were standing*
*takes you off pedestal*
Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.
My daughter wants to know why I won’t peel and slice her apple and according to her “because I’m driving” is not a valid excuse.
Me: I love you!
Girlfriend: Is that you, or the vodka talking?
Me: It’s me…talking to the vodka.
A student brought me 20 huge homemade chocolate chip cookies today. Good thing I have self-control–I saved one for my kids. To split.
Current beard: Outdoor woodsman
Current body: Indoor couchman
[enter password]
*Correct*
[your password is incorrect]
Me: ahh that’s right
*incorrect*
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Dear ads, I have the buying power of a Victorian milkmaid
“Its odd how the Church just lets
pedophile’s grant forgiveness”Anyway…thats why I’m not allowed
in Confession anymore.