I held the door for an old person today and he was like, “didn’t we go to high school together” and we did.
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WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: [struggling on floor] Yoga
WIFE: At the bottom of the stairs?
ME:
WIFE: You fell down the stairs
ME: Yes
HR: I’m afraid that’s not proper corporate dress code.
ME: *taking off wetsuit* casual Friday is bullshit then.
Sadly learned my family is racist. I started dating a black girl. Brought her home to meet the family. Wife and kids wouldn’t talk to her.
You don’t care when my dog does it, is not an acceptable explanation for shitting on your neighbor’s lawn. I know this now.
Neighbor: Careful, the stairs are slippery tonight
Me, starfished at the bottom of the stairs: Good to know, thank you
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
Me: want a grilled cheese?
6yo: no. How about a cheeseburger without the meat.
Me: you got it.
Jesus “I will come back to judge the living and the dead”…. But until then, I’ll appear in dirty ceilings and toast”
Me: Hi! One Big Mac no tomatoes please
Her: Mam this is a library
Me: Oh. Sorry
Now whispering: One Big Mac no tomatoes please
wife: it doesn’t start until 4, why are we leaving so early?
me: i have to set up the grill and tap the keg in the parking lot for the tailgate party
wife: that’s not a thing at funerals
Saw some turkeys and immediately thought of you.
“I do not negotiate with terrorists!” said me, everyday, multiple times a day, to my children.
[trampoline park]
me: *needing to come back down every time i go up*
Sir Isaac Newton: holy shit
Yes officer, I’d like to file a restraining order against my dentist’s appointment reminder system.
*goes to grocery store
*puts “gently used” sticker on all their cucumbers
NASA: you’ve been selected to spend a year on the space station
ME: wow that’s awesome
NASA: you and your entire family!
ME: oh ok no thanks
Sorry, can’t. I took my bra off and threw it across the room an hour ago. There’s no coming back from that.
An erotic footjob under a restaurant table can go bad real fast
when your feet miss their mark…just ask my father-in-law.
I asked my friend what keeps her up at night. She answered, “helium.” Also, my friend is a balloon.
So many homophobes turn out to be secretly gay that I’m nervous I’m secretly a giant spider
*taking training wheels off my old bike*
Mom: You’re not ready for this.
Me: I’m 37, Mom. I’ve got this.
*starts pedaling; hits a tree*
I wish catalog models could do one pose with bad posture, looking awkward and self-conscious, so I’d know how the outfit would look on me
Everyone knows the correct use of a comma when it comes to your bank account statements.
My doctor said if I wanna drop a few pounds I’d have to stay away from carbs
So I’ve been using this insanely long straw to drink beer
So I just watched Contagion and tbh, if they had watched the end of the film first, they could have saved a lot of lives.
I said NO, Steve! It’s a terrible idea. We’ll never get away with it…
My 3YO refuses to put on her socks because she thinks the triceratops on them will bite her, which is really dumb because it’s not a meat-eater.
It took me 15 mins to explain to my 18yo son how to make Minute Rice, in case you were thinking about having kids.
Renovated the kids bathroom and installed a bathroom ventilation fan with a Bluetooth speaker. Now I just need to find the perfect creepy audio of a ghost screeching “Get Out!” for when they take too long in the shower.
Watching fireworks is like listening to a kid’s story: you have to pretend to be enthralled every time, but in reality you lost interest after the first 3 minutes.