If you’re looking for someone to mute the National Geographics channel and narrate the animals thoughts, look no further.
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Sometimes when I get a compliment I stop, moonwalk out of the room and yell “Thank You “just to leave them hanging.
Kylo Ren was more powerful with his helmet on. With it off, he had to use a majority of his power to maintain his hair’s body and bounce.
A priest, a pastor and a rabbit entered a clinic to donate blood. The nurse asked the rabbit: “what’s your blood type?”
“I’m probably a type O”, said the rabbit.
No one makes fun of your cargo pants when you start pulling little bottles of liquor out of them at the PTA meeting
ME: Is it “mince meat” or “minced meat”?
NEIGHBOR: What? Did you find my cat or not
ME: I’m getting to that
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
Got my blood test results back today, and it’s just as I had feared 🙁
My body is filled with a lot of blood!
Me: The enemy launched a missile, sir
Sargeant: What’s the point of impact?
Me: Because otherwise there’s no boom, sir
My kids spent two hours “cleaning” and accomplished literally nothing.
Then I told them they had ten minutes to pick up everything or they were grounded.
Then they finished in eight.
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
I’m exactly like Rambo if his bandolier was full of breakfast sandwiches
Recent evidence indicates that Earth is indeed bi-polar, as we’ve always suspected.
Dear Cool People, they didn’t name a candy after you, did they? Love, Nerds.
a store that sells jeans and khakis should be called a pantry
My daughter wakes up everyday at 2:30, and moves from her room to the game room couch. She wants to be sure to see her brother leave at 5:00 for swim practice. It’s not to wish him a good day, but to see what he’s wearing so she can copy his outfit.
Day three of MAN COLD. I feel death lurking. Its waiting for me to give up.
Stay strong! Think of the cat. He’ll eat you if you die.
A salesman knocked on my door today.
“Who currently provides your Internet?” he asked.
I said, “My next door neighbour.”
If your kid eats the chocolate bunny’s feet first, “so it can’t get away,” that’s your future serial killer right there.
A high-pressure hose will usually stop a coworker from showing you any more baby photos.
HER: can I take a quick peek at your privates?
SERGEANT: *looks into barracks* ok but most of them are asleep
I hate it when I imagine how a conversation will go and then in the actual conversation the person goes off script. That’s not your line, Todd.
Me: More fur & these cute little whisk-
Police Sketch artist: you’re describing a cat
Me: please his birthday is today & he loves portraits
“Check, please!” – Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table
Camping?
No thank you.If I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
Telling my daugthers date that “she has lice and its very contagious the closer you get to her.”
*Correct way to parent.
ME: I have very bad gas
BRITISH LADY [holding her nose]: omg what
ME: sorry I have very bad petrol
[slips wedding dj a 5] got any korn
OMG you guys!! I have abs
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…olutely no desire to give up tacos and beer.
airports should have little side-quests available for ppl stuck in a layover
What kind of vegetable does an Elephant eat?
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Squash