Me: Can I pet your dog?
Stranger: sure
M: one more time
S: uh, ok
M: again
S: maybe you should get your own
M: pet
S: we have to go
M: mine
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hey 🙂 if you’re having a good day, i just want you to know that tarantulas can swim
Oh, you carry a pack of cigarettes rolled up in your T-shirt sleeve..? That’s how I carry my mini babybel.
Boss: You’re fired
Me: No YOU’RE fired
Boss: No
Me: Yeah
Boss: *starts sweating*
Laughed hysterically and said “Oh yes, please do” after the pizza shop guy asked if he could put the sauce in my box. I think I scared him.
“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.
[reading the bible but getting impressed by the wrong parts] woah this guy had 12 friends in his 30’s
Jesus: My moms a virgin.
Olive Oil: Well my moms an extra virgin.
him: I think we should see other people
me: is that on hulu or netflix
I just saw a woman walk out of the pizza place with 8 large pizzas. Stay with me I’m gonna live stream my proposal..
I presented pragmatic, irrefutable facts and felt confident I made my case, but my dog would have none of it.
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
I just sent a text that says “we really need to talk” to everyone I know so nobody will bother me today.
My husband asked me yesterday what I would do with my time if money was no object, and apparently “buy out a Target and sit on top of my hoard like a manic-depressive dragon” was an incorrect response so idk.
Me to 15: aw, you’re so handsome in your school pictures! Stop growing up so fast!
15: I just heard you and dad saying you can’t wait til I move out so my room can be a home gym.
Me: ……sooo handsome though..
Son, I’m not a mad scientist, just a disappointed scientist.
My cousins baby child keeps pointing at me and saying ‘cat’
Me: I have the hiccups. You know what that means.
Wife: You’re about to get mad?
Me: That’s right. If they’re not gone in the next 15 minutes, I’m buying a gun.
I just tried a keto friendly cereal. I think tomorrow I’ll just eat my cabinets.
marriage advice: if you ask “is that guy a double agent?” enough times your husband will hand you the remote.
Interviewer: Under skills you put horse whisperer and able to see ghosts
Me: Ask that horse if you don’t believe me
Interviewer: What horse?
When they said “it takes a village” I thought they were referring to raising a child not keeping up with laundry.
listed 911 as my emergency contact because, nice try, i know how emergencies work
Letting your friend have the last mozzarella stick is the ultimate snackrifice
[Explaining nomenclature to my niece]
Well, you see, celebrities used up all the good names the year you were born, Fancy Feast.
Protect your Twitter account from plagiarism by only tweeting things that nobody cares about.
MOB BOSS: It has come to my attention that within this very room, we have a SNITCH
HARRY POTTER: Oh hell yeah I’ll get it
Any job that calls u a rockstar just know they’re underpaying u
*eggs your house on Halloween*
*pumpkins your house on Easter*
Me: I’ve completed a psychological profile on myself.
Brain: What have we learned?
Me: I need to stop talking to myself or wear a Bluetooth device on my walks.
Brain: Will this help to keep people from staring at you?
Me: Maybe wear clothes too.
Really? Still no Kate? Has anyone even tried yelling Marco?