[Jack Black’s birthday]
Oh wow..ANOTHER rock polisher, thanks grandma.
“How is Rock School going dear?”
It’s School of ro- *sigh* nevermind.
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me: my girlfriend’s a model
him: oh yeah what kind?
me: papier-mâché
Dad owl: I’m dying so I need you to look after things. I’m going to give you-
Son owl: Don’t say it
Dad: Power of a tawny
Son: [turns head]
2020: omg we’re entering hell
2021: ok so how do we make hell cozy
Me: i have a tummy ache so i been on the BRAT diet.
You: Bananas, rice, applesauce & toast?
Me *eating a bowl of bologna, rum, anchovies & tiramisu*: oh god dammit
When people come into my office and complain, I’ve started gently pushing things off my desk while maintaining eye contact. You’d be amazed at how much shorter the conversations are.
My grandpa used to eat onion sandwiches so yeah he and my grandma slept in separate bedrooms.
Everyone shut up, my 1st grader is telling me a 30-minute long story about how Laberham Lincoln got shot.
80 years ago we would have all been institutionalized and I think that’s beautiful
I think about this a lot
Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that Im typing this with my middle finger.
If he has cleaning supplies but has a dirty house, he’s a murderer.
So, can we agree on 4 or
if you’re venting to someone and they say “idk I see both sides” you’re wrong
Wife: You only half-listen to me. You’re in a boatload of trouble.
Me: Yes, let’s buy a boat.
Pollen count so high, junkies are trying to uncook their meth back to Sudafed.
Tired this morning me would like to have a word with stayed up too late last night me.
Doctor: I want you to take it easy on your joints from now on.
Me: ok
(later at home)
Me, talking to my blunt: I’m sorry I called you fat.
The workers will arrive to install something in the kitchen. Let that sink in.
A video of a seal jumping in a boat
to escape killer whales went viral.They were trying to orca-strate
a meal, but didn’t seal the deal.
to the people playing drinking games rn.. are u dead
“Oh hi, you’re home early”
We were smoking in my friend’s basement once and as I finished rolling up a 3rd blunt my friend goes “oh man, I’ve never smoked 3 blunts in one sitting before” to which I replied “Billy we smoked 4 blunts last weekend.”
He was like “yeah, but never 3”
Research is preliminary but we estimate the number of crimes actually solved by boy detectives to be somewhere in the neighborhood of zero.
*paw prints all your dogs to figure out which one ate my sandwich when I went to the bathroom*
“LOLZ”? Really? Did you laugh so loud you fell asleep?
COME TO ME JOURNALBOT
*Journalbot enters my study*
ok write this down: Polar bears are bear ghosts. “polargeists”
[very sad robot noises]
If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.
My wife and I were leaving for our night out.
Our babysitter smiled and said, ‘Take as long as you like.’
That was three years ago. I hope she likes being a parent.
If a chimp tries to sign up for your karate class, DO NOT LET HIM! He already has the strength & the anger. Don’t give him the skills.
Studio Apartment Available:
– Pet-friendly
– Located next to bridge
– No strings attached