*in an interview*
Me: Tell me a time when you really struggled in your previous job.
Applicant: 5-7PM po.
Me:
Applicant: 8PM.
Me:
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*Holds my sweatpants like a ball gown when I walk up the stairs*
Goldfish are the only pets with the decency to die just as the novelty wears off.
When you’ve aged 15 years since 2020 and they still tell you that you’re cute
When I ask a tall person to reach something in a public place, what I really wish they’d do is pick me up so I can reach it myself.
{4 turtles are stuck on their backs.}
Cop: What’s going on here?
Me: Snow angel contest for free pizza.
Cop: …Who’s winning?
Me: Shredder.
A smoke detector, but with voice recognition, that will turn off when you yell, “I’m just cooking”
Shouldn’t Alien vs. Predator just be called Alien vs. Alien?
Never let the fear of failure keep you from failing.
This guy got on the bus and just stared at me and Lulabelle on my lap for a solid 30 seconds then goes “are you allowed to have dogs on the bus” and I just shrugged thinking he was gonna give me shit or something but then he pulls out a chihuahua out of nowhere
You’re not supposed to be your pet’s friend, your job is to make sure they get into a good pet college.
The person you are trying to stalk
Is stalking another person..
Please wait
Today my grocery delivery guy mistakenly bought me plantains instead of bananas. After arduously explaining to him the difference between the two, we laughed to ourselves. A delicious faux pas and a classic mixup.
Anyway he’s dead now.
Any time my wife brings up home renovations I just mention installing a urinal and suddenly we’re not talking about home renovations any more
[Facebook Marketplace]
Me: Selling this guitar amp.
Guy: I will trade you another guitar amp for it.
Me: How does this make sense in your head?
The man standing outside the nursing home just asked if I had any teeth to sell
[Kitchen]
*I open the swear jar to discover someone used the last swear yet put the empty jar back in the refrigerator*
ME: {dead air but my mouth is moving}
No Auto-correct, I never meant “Relationship Goats”.
Me: You’re supposed to be in bed. 11-year-old: I tried. Me: You tried? 11: It didn’t stick.
Sexting:
Him: What do you like in the bedroom?
Me: Sleeping.
Him: No, I meant what can I do to make you happy in the bedroom?
Me: Close the door on your way out.
Him: No, I meant…
Me: Also lock the door.
Seriously guys, people drive like shit when I’m tweeting
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying) Nobody likes me
ME: I like you
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying harder) Nobody good likes me
“Dad, where do babies come from?”
“Walmart.”
if i heard the mario coin sound whenever i completed a task maybe i’d accomplish more
Of course I consume a lot of carbs. I don’t want to get decarbohydrated.
can’t wait to fulfill my lifelong dream of going to japan and buying a samurai sword out of a vending machine
The closest I’ve ever come to winning anything was that time I got picked from a lineup at the station.
[first date]
Him: I want to marry someone who knows what commitment is.
Me: (trying to impress) I haven’t put my phone down in 5 years.
I napped the entire afternoon away.
I still feel like garbage but at least I’m well-rested garbage.
You: Would you like a keto burger?
My Anaconda: No.