Awkward=when autocorrect changes ‘sooner’ to ‘sober’ so email to 8 yr. old’s teacher reads “I apologize for not getting back to you sober”
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[Jesus on a blind date]
Christians: “Hmm, you seemed whiter in your profile picture”
Me *on the phone*: Yeah it’s just an annual check up.
My 8 year old bursting into the room: OMG I DON’T WANT TO GO TO THE DOCTOR AND GET A SHOT!!
*hyperventilates*
*vomits*
Me: It’s for the dog.
8: Oh. Can I have a snack?
Me: this doesn’t seem right
Dentist: u know on tv when they say 9/10 dentists
M: yeah
D: im the one
*he resumes hitting my teeth w/ a comb*
It turns out that you can only spray so many people down with Febreze before they fire you as a Wal Mart greeter.
Dentist: I would like the fish sandwich, please.
Server: Tartar sauce?
Dentist: *eyes narrow*
Make friends at the park by telling strangers that you died in this exact spot 200 years ago today
Do you really think cats would have anything to do with us if they could open cans of cat food by themselves?
The main argument you always hear from football pundits is that Premier League matches should be decided by which team correctly answers the most questions about World War 1. Not me, though. I think it’s a bad idea and we should continue to use football as the deciding factor 👎.
[hearing news of an apocalyptic asteroid] best put the car in the garage
GOOD COP: We can do the easy way…
BAD COP: Or the hard way.
UNDERCOVER COP: [muffled] Guys, get under the covers with me! It’s so cozy and I have a flashlight and comic books under here!
[does jerk off motion for 2 hours] and that concludes the hearing impaired translation of the presidential debate. all of them. god bless
no
*blows bubbles in your face to distract you as I take all of your tater tots*
I want a polka band at my funeral. I’m the one who’s dead, let ’em suffer.
Might get a Gatorade logo tattoo to symbolize my contempt for thirst.
BOSS: Can I see you in my office?
INVISIBLE-MAN: [sigh] I don’t know how many more ways I can explain this to you
Mario: I killed all your turtle troops.Bowser: Turtle what?Mario: All the turtles that work for you.Bowser: What turtles?Mario: Uh oh…
I hate it when I catch SpongeBob halfway through and I can’t follow the plot
Me: I’d like “Intercourse” for $1,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: I bet you would.
Satan: I’m bored. Let’s keep telling her that’s not her password.
Tell the Starbucks barista that your name is Voldemort. Watch for those who don’t flinch when the name is called. They will be your allies.
2019: silently mouths “I love you” to husband across the room.
2021: silently mouths “I’m sorry. Are you in a work Zoom meeting right now? Don’t forget the kids have soccer at 6. For dinner let’s do tacos. Is that your annoying coworker talking right now? He’s the worst…”
Netflix plants your dna at various crime scenes while you are asleep.
It isn’t alcoholism if you’re a method actor training for a role as an alcoholic in a movie that doesn’t exist.
I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.
“thank you for your order, I’ll push it off the edge of the counter when it’s ready”
SON: Can I have a cookie?
ME: Ask nicer.
SON: May I please have a cookie?
ME: Like a Canadian.
SON: So sorry, could I please trouble you for one of your delicious cookies, good sir, eh? It’s okay if you say no. There’s probably a more deserving child.
ME: *hands over cookie*
[Chasing a dog on my bike]
Me *breathlessly* how is he reaching the pedals?!
I TRADED MY ALARM CLOCK FOR A KOALA SO I CAN SLEEP UNTIL HE STARTS BEGGING FOR LEAVES WHICH’S LIKE 3 DAYS