hear me out- let’s have pet sitters release one harmless flying insect into your home every 2 days you’re gone to keep the pets amused
You Might Also Like
[my daughter asks for her 2nd apple of the day] oh look it’s the apple monster *fun growl sounds*
DAUGHTER: daddy does God ever go hunting
emails from companies that start with stuff like “only nine weeks left to…” who are these for? who has their life together enough to act that far in advance. I don’t know what I’m wearing to work in ten minutes.
I think my wife got us a babysitter because she didn’t think I’d sit on the baby correctly
If a swan broke my arm I’d keep it quiet. Embarrassing. “Help, I’m being beaten up by a big white lanky floating chicken.” Not cool.
FBI AGENT: You’ll be put into witness protection
ME: Can I be someone that has friends?
FBI AGENT: No, it has to be believable.
I bought satin sheets and satin pajamas. When I went to jump into bed I ended up in my neighbors garage.
Growing up I didn’t think the expensive addiction that would ruin me would be Heinz ketchup but here we are
You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth
*jesus picks up bread*
this is my body
*jesus picks up wine*
this is my blood
*jesus picks up guitar*
this is the STORY OF A GIRL
me: just checkin to see if you’re ok, missed you at dinner
telemarketer who calls at the same time every day: oh hey it’s not a good time, can I call you back
who called it an advertising campaign and not an adventure
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why did pirates always get just one eye poked out?
To level the playing field, online dating sites should require using the picture in your driver’s license.
A friend text me after the election to ask how I was doing. Now she says I’m mad at her because I haven’t answered, but I’m still typing.
(asking for a raise at work) please, my landlord needs this
*Friend sees my knuckle tats*
F: ‘MMA4LYFE,’ really?
*I put my fists by my English prof’s ‘OXFORDCO’ knuckle tats*
*we start break dancing*
Remember when you could strangle people with your phone? Those were the days..
Parenting is just putting throw pillows back on the couch every ten minutes until you die.
The supermarket cashier asked me ‘if I found everything today’ to which I answered ‘why, are you hiding things?’. She looked confused. I laughed awkwardly. We packed everything away in silence.
I explained ‘gluten allergy’ to my grandma and she sighed and told me they ate leather belts during WWII to keep from starving
Joggers are going to be really pissed if it turns out we only get a certain amount of steps in life.
Giraffe: That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!
[5 min later]
*vomits*
Yess ocifer b-b-but in dog beers I’ve only had two.
Me before watching a serial killer documentary: I bet this killer was so successful because of their intelligence and cunning, and not just because of the gross incompetence of local law enforcement.
Me after watching a serial killer documentary: Well, shit.
Dance like no one’s watching & cook like someone else is cleaning up that shit.
Her: I love your eyes.
Me: Thanks, they were a set…
Might quit my job and become a content creator and live off the royalties for the next 19 seconds.
wife: you can’t give the dog a piña colada
me: why? he’s not driving
[restaurant owners meeting]
“we should start asking customers if they’ve been here before”
why though?
“absolutely no reason at all”
ok deal
Me: My blood pressure is sky high. I need to get my affairs in order.
Him: Make a will?
Me: I was thinking flings with hot men, but OK.