me: good morning, Linda
Linda, my co-worker who backpacked through Europe: Not as nice as the sunrises you can see looking out from Venice
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every time i say my cat’s name she looks at me like i just told her that her husband died at sea
If life sucks, take a straw and you suck too
Every news show is like “are you actually seeing what you’re seeing? We’ll ask an expert and a liar!”
[guy who’s about to invent restaurants]
*eating alone* what if i added social anxiety to this
Cough drops are perfect for when you want the cough you’ve had for three days to stop for 60 seconds and then come right back.
My kid spent a long time washing kinetic sand off his hands, so now he’s clean, but the bathroom looks like it went to a rave on a beach
If tennis rules were chasing the ball and bringing it to your opponent without letting him have it, my dog would be the best in the world.
Bacon: Toast, great tan!
Eggs: Ham, you smell good!
Ham: Thank you Eggs, you too!
Toast: Bacon, you’re awesome bro!
-complementary breakfast
So is Walmart a verb now?
As in, “I’m out of clean underwear, so I’m going to have to Walmart it today.”
When I used to drink, by this time on a weekend y’all would’ve already seen me mostly naked. Y’all should be especially thankful for my sobriety.
You guys, I seriously never ask for prayers but this is an emergency. There is a rumor that Red Lobster might be closing. Pray. Pray hard.
Why do people leave mattresses on the side of the road? Do they really think someone will take it? Do you think I should wash it first?
[Dracula before he got braces]
:F
I’ve never got out of a straight jacket but I did once get out of my sleeping bag whilst drunk and I’ve got to assume it’s roughly the same skill set
Once a guy came to our door with an educational book-selling MLM. He tried to get my husband by asking “do you even know why a flamingo is pink?” And I guess the guy hadn’t anticipated running into a man raised on zoboomafoo because he walked away defeated.
Yes!
Great!
Bravo!
Hurrah!
Yippee!
Cheers!
Hooray!
Rah Rah!
Woo Hoo!
Whoopee!
Awesome!– Excerpt from “Fifty Shades of Yay!”
Wife *rubbing her belly* we’ve got a date for our ultrasound
Me: omg
Wife: are we gonna find out what it is?
Me *googling what is ultrasound* way ahead of you
Clerk: Sir this is an awful lot of cheese for one person.
Me: What?
C: You should be ashamed of yourself, panic buying is not the answer.
M: Panic buying? Um, what are you talking about, 7 blocks of cheese is a normal week for me.
C:
M:
C: Have a nice day
Who called it a French guy that has a cat rather than Jean clawed?
Life Tip: If you’re ever attacked by a shark, compliment his smile. Sharks are very vain and susceptible to flattery.
1. Get preg
2. Transfer ur soul to fetus using
Satanic alchemy
3. Give birth to yourself
4. Old body dies
5. Be a baby
the vatican should not be allowed to name any new saints until God sorts out my numerous issues with the citibank web portal
imagine going to a job interview then they pull out a hotdog, dip it in ketchup, and begin taking notes
Him: Don’t you think that’s enough Bailey’s in your coffee?
Me: I’m in morning
Before coffee:
The sun is stupid. My bed is stupid. These clothes are stupid. People are stupid. Work is stupid…After coffee:
Everything is still stupid, but with more energy
“Eat cheese and sin.”
This is… the best street art sticker I’ve ever seen?!
Pamela Anderson attends a function make up free and is hailed bold and brave. I do it and get holy water and a crucifix thrown at me!!
I’m thankful for my Twitter family. Without you people, I’d still just be talking to myself
Date: I’m really into indie movies.
Me: I loved Raiders of the Lost Ark!