I call realtors advertising on bus stop benches and ask them the bus schedule.
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If I ever tell you to “Be the ball,” I’m not coaching you…I’m preparing you for my nine iron.
A fun thing about having kids is how they ask for help with their homework.
On the way to school.
Interviewer : So you’re super fast at math?
Me : Yup
I : Ok, what’s 346×48?
Me : 804
I : That’s not correct
Me : Fast though.
I was born a woman, which came as a tremendous shock to my parents as they’d been expecting a baby.
Death: this is the afterlife
Me: ugh there’s more?
They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that’s why I surround myself with lazy people
Honey Boo Boo evolves into Sugar Scab! Pokemon is back baby!
“a quiet place” sequel cALLED “A LOUD PLACE” WHERE EVERYONE HAS TO KEEP SHOUTING AND MAKING ALL SORTS OF RUCKUS TO AVOID CREATURES THAT HUNT SILENCE
going on an overnight trip, better pack 7 shirts and 9 pairs of underwear for some reason
Flight attendant: You’re sitting by the emergency door. Will you be able to open it if necessary?
Me, having just put lotion on my hands: *sweats profusely*
You when you started twitter vs. you now.
Today I learned that when getting a pedicure with your wife, don’t tell the salon girl “thanks for the amazing toe job”.
My Husband objected to a question I asked in court and we are on the same side if you wanted to know how fun it is to work with your spouse.
This year I have a few special people on my list that will get expired gift cards wrapped up with tons of glitter.
I’m always Beware #MakesMeCautious
Quick! Does anyone know how I can get red wine off of my date’s white cat?!
Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.
Sign at The Vatican says ladies should respectfully have their shoulders and knees covered. Turns out they mean everything inbetween as well
son: can I borrow your tie for my interview
dad: my what
son: I need a tie
dad: one more time
son: *sighs* your business necklace
ME: my ideal first date? well to me it dosent matter wat we do as long as we share a conection
JOB INTERVIEWER: i meant how soon can u start
[cruise]
Me: boats freak me out
Wife: listen to some music
M: how
W: there’s a band on ship
M: a what
W: a band on ship
M: *jumps overboard*
My teen says she is not able to wake up before 10 AM, so I’m going to make the most of this time…blow dry my hair, vacuum her room, test the foghorn.
Turbulence is when the airplane hits someone’s family photos backed up in the cloud.
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead Linda
I just ate 27 gummy vitamins. Come at me Covid.
Mugger: give me your wallet and you won’t get hurt
Me: *handing over wallet* wanna be my friend?
Mugger: no
Me: *taking wallet back* but you said :’(
If you think you’re having a bad morning, my son is crying because his sock doesn’t feel right.
As soon as I figure out what an unto is, I’ll consider doing it to others.
My stupid belt shrunk again today.