I just misspelled a word so bad that auto correct blew milk out its nose.
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Roses are red,
violets are blue,
dogs go woof
and cows go moo.#PoetryDay #RubbishJokes
I accidental typed sinroof instead of sunroof and I may have just invented the greatest thing ever.
*eye of the tiger starts to play as I trip & fall down the stairs
My current body type is you can sorta tell I work out, but you can also tell that I don’t turn down cake.
Me: I wish my life was like a Disney movie
Genie: *snaps fingers*
Me: …what changed?
Genie: your mom was shot in the woods
*”accidentally” drops my gym membership card from my wallet in front of a cute girl*
Me: Oh gee, I seem to have dr—
*300 fast-food coupons flutter to the ground following it*
[grocery store]
Ok, milk… Check!
Eggs… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
[spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is McConaughey
McConaughey.
M-C-C-O-N-A-U-G-H-E-Y, McConaughey.
Did I get it?Judge: We have no idea
Guys in the 90’s who got the barbed wire tattoo on their bicep, but only half goes halfway around your arm, you come up for air yet from the decades of drowning in pussy?
Every day, thousands of innocent plants are killed by vegetarians….
Help end the violence!!!
Eat BACON!!
I’ll write ‘not unlike’ as if I’m being payed by the word.
me: we named you after our favorite films
paul blart: i hate you
wife: you should be proud of your names
paul blart 2: you’re monsters
“Look, officer, I’m not being a smartass. All I’m sayin’ is if you caught me then you were speeding too”.
The fact that there are countless First Responders alongside the street tells me everything I need to know about running marathons.
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
To everyone in this doctors waiting room: calm down. I’ll hit the right note on my trumpet eventually.
Me: whaddu mean “no”
Donut shop employee: we cannot pump the custard directly into your mouth to “save hella time”
God grant me the audacity of my 7 year old who lost a tooth this morning and then asked me if the tooth fairy would give her a tenner because she yanked it out herself.
About to shave my legs let me know if anyone is interested in buying extensions
The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture
In India, Twitter crush is choosen by your parents.
Me *looking at 50 caskets in church* this is weird
Waldo’s wife *dabbing eyes* it’s what he would’ve wanted
*the doctor looks up at me after reviewing my blood test for several minutes*
are you sure you’re not a donut?
ME: everyone except dave can go to the carnival
DAVE: hey no fair
ME: not for you, no
Baby carrots imply the existence of carrot sex, and now I’m never looking into the crisper drawer again.
pal: what’s your favorite band
me: idk probably rubber
*tries to take off date’s bra*
If you-
*tries again*
If-
*again*
If you would take off the hulk gloves this would be easier
*looks up*
NEVER
People don’t invite me to their parties anymore…
*dips chip in salsa*
I don’t get it…
*double and triple dips*
I mean maybe it’s my hair…
*drinks from salsa bowl*
Ooh that’s good!
*scoops it up by hand*
(Me, on my way in an Uber to a sexy party)
Uber Driver: Going to a party?
Me: Yes actually
Uber Driver: A family party?
Me: God I hope not
Perhaps Nicki Minaj just lost a series of bets.